


See You in the Funny Pages

by btvsp2082



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, DCU (Animated)
Genre: Crossover, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-13 02:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5691973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btvsp2082/pseuds/btvsp2082
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post S8, "Anywhere But Here" for BtvS, and loosely between S2 and S3 for JLU. What happens when two worlds collide? Inter-dimensional romance? Friendship, both likely and unlikely? Grouchy alliances? Insane, super-villainous hijinks? A plot of some kind? Yep. Yep to all that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Notes, Story Setup, and Disclaimer

Disclaimer: All Buffy related characters belong to Joss Whedon, FOX, and Dark Horse. All DC related characters belong to DC Comics and Warner Bros. 

* * *

Buffy Season 8 Recap:

Willow has recently re-joined the Scoobies in Scotland after going on a mystical walkabout for half a year. She learned about herself, her powers, and how to fly. While she was off doing that, Buffy was establishing Slayer Squads all across the world, and recruiting girls that got called due to Willow's spell at the end of Season 7. To fund everything, she and a group of slayers stole a bunch of artwork from a Swiss Bank.

In the final pages of the "Anywhere But Here" issue, Willow discovers this. And Buffy discovers that Willow had sexy relations with some astral, snake-lady during her walkabout, cheating on Kennedy. Basically, the two aren't in the best place when this story starts, which is more or less immediately after the issue's conclusion.

* * *

Approach to the DC Characters:

My interpretation and knowledge of the DC Superheroes and Villains comes mostly from the characterizations in Justice League Unlimited and the DC Animated Universe in general. All credit to Bruce Timm and staff. He made them human for me, gave them voices and relationships and made them most interesting when they weren't punching things. His TV shows got me to read superhero comics again, but I don't know the ins and outs, and I play around a little. Just want to say that up front.

* * *

Story Format:

The story isn't in prose form. It's script-ish, with a focus on dialogue and actions rather than describing what's going on in someone's head for multiple paragraphs. Why'd I do it this way? I hate writing prose (*g*) and wanted to concentrate on the interplay of the characters. Also, being not as well versed in the DC side, I knew it'd be hard enough just to put words in their mouths. Some of you might not like the way it's laid out, and I get that, but I tried my best to make it easy reading. For those that don't mind, I hope you enjoy.

Oh, and when I switch between a DC character's Superhero Name and Civilian Name? That's an indicator of whether he or she is in costume or not.

* * *

Cliffhanger!:

This is the first story I'm posting on here that isn't finished. The details of the supervillain's plot are what stalled me during issue six.  If anybody who reads this has any suggestions after reading issue five, I'd happily welcome them.

* * *

 


	2. Issue One

**SCOTLAND SLAYER HQ**

**OUTSIDE TRAINING GROUNDS, MID-MORNING**

 

Buffy stands beside Willow, the portal her friend had opened just about closing behind them. It’s all very lush, green and mountainous, and the castle looms behind them. Impressive surroundings, but all Buffy can focus on is her nausea.

 ** _BUFFY’S THOUGHT_** : _At least I didn’t eat anything before we left._ _At least there wasn’t FLYING. Again._

She looks at Willow, who’s looking not at her. Awkward.

 **BUFFY** : You hate me.

Willow’s still not looking at her. In fact, Willow’s eyes are somewhat wide, looking past her. Buffy doesn’t notice.

 **BUFFY** : Okay, I’d hate me, too. If I didn’t know the whole...whole. And you don’t know. How _not_ easy it was. ‘Cause you weren’t here, helping with. But it’s done and I’m not gonna apologize, and why didn’t you say anything?

 **WILLOW** {dumbstruck}: Holy cowl.

Buffy turns, and a smile begins to spread over her face as she finally sees **BATGIRL** there.

 **BUFFY** : Barbara, hey!

She and the costumed Barbara Gordon hug like friends, unaware of the jealousy on Willow’s face.

 **BUFFY** {nervously hopeful}: Who flew?

 **DAWN** : HAHAHAHAHAHA!

The giant teenager’s laughter reaches them from the large pond at the castle’s rear that doubles as Dawn’s natural bathtub. The sound rings loud like church bells.

 **BATGIRL** {smirking}: Guess.

They all walk around to where the pond is, though Willow keeps her distance.

There sits Dawn, bare feet in the water, with a giggling **SUPERGIRL** perched on her shoulder. Buffy and Batgirl crane their necks.

 **BUFFY** : Repeat nothing of what my sister says to your cousin, Kara.

 **SUPERGIRL** {waving}: Oh hi, Buffy! Relax, Clark has “Super Denial,” too.

On the ground, something appears to dawn on Batgirl. Pun unintentional.

 **BATGIRL** : Almost forgot...

Her tone makes Buffy immediately wary.

 **BATGIRL** {grinning}: ...Xander says I wasn’t the only one up, up and away. Diana’s not gonna believe it. When I tell her.

Willow joins them, and doesn’t miss Buffy’s blush.

 **BUFFY** : It was completely mission-related, and completely under protest. I had no choice. At all. So if you do, I don’t care who your boss is, I’m kicking your bat--

 **WILLOW** : What the hecate is going on!??! They aren’t real!

Her outburst gets everyone’s attention. Supergirl looks offended.

 **WILLOW** : I know! I’m concussed, right? Buffy, am I concussed?

 **BUFFY** : No concussion, I promise. All real. Um, it’s kind of a...well, short story, actually. The way I tell it.

 **WILLOW** : Eve-even the part where my lesbidar booped and beeped and says you might be dating Wond--?

 **BUFFY** {semi-annoyed}: Her name’s Diana.

Then the nervousness is back. Her hand rubs the back of her head.

 **BUFFY** : And um, wow. Great “Dar” there, Will.

______

 

**WATCHTOWER SPACE STATION**

**CONFERENCE ROOM, THREE MONTHS AGO**

 

It’s a circular space, windows on all sides, cold and metallic. Each window looks down on the lower sections of the station. In the middle of the room, around an equally circular table, sits **WONDER WOMAN** , **SUPERMAN** , **HAWKGIRL** , **GREEN LANTERN** , **BATMAN** , an empty chair, Buffy, and finally an agape, star struck Xander.

Obviously, he’s there as Buffy’s translator. Her foot kicks him under the table.

 **BUFFY** : She calls herself what now?

 **SUPERMAN** : Clobber Girl.

 **BUFFY** : Clobber...

 **HAWKGIRL** {eyes narrowed}: Girl.

 **BUFFY** : Seriously?

Batman leans forward, looking at Buffy past the empty chair.

 **BATMAN** : It’s her decision.

She leans forward to look back at him.

 **BUFFY** : I don’t force any girl to join. I’m just here to let her know why she has the power she has, and that she’s not alone. If she doesn’t wanna come back with us, fine.

 **BATMAN** : But you did. According to your story, getting that power was never their choice. Now you’re responsible for whatever they do with it.

She glares, then turns to Xander.

 **BUFFY** {whispering}: I think I don’t like him.

 **XANDER** {whispering back}: Ixnay, Buf. For the love of god, ixnay.

 **BUFFY** : I should just spill his secret identity. I saw the movie. And Wonder Woman’s really...tall. Basketball tall. Don’t you think?

 **XANDER** : Yeah. Heightly. You betcha.  

 **FLASH** : Wait, so you’ve only got super-strength? You don’t fly or breathe underwater or--

He’s suddenly in the empty chair, startling Buffy. She looks at Xander like, “Where did he come from?”

 **GREEN LANTERN** : All you do is run.

 **FLASH** {frowns}: Well, yeah, but...fast. Who can break the sound barrier, huh? Hands?

His raises.

______

 

**SCOTLAND SLAYER HQ**

**CASTLE COMMAND CENTRAL, PRESENT**

 

Xander stands on his dais of authority in the room’s center, watching a bank of monitors in front of him. Various slayers watch their own individual monitors around the room as well. Willow, Buffy and Batgirl stand by the young mystics near the far right corner.

 **BUFFY** {gesturing to the mystics}: They opened the first portal. We ended up right in the Watchtower. {cringes} Dinah came _this_ close to doing that voice thing.

Then she’s over it and shrugs.

 **BUFFY** : Slayers were “spelled” in alternate dimensions, even. Who knew?

Batgirl slides back her cowl and lets her red hair fall loose.

 **BATGIRL** : You guys have a laundry room, right? Costume’s gettin’ sweaty.

Buffy looks over at **TRACY,** a green-haired slayer falling asleep at her monitor, while Xander leaves the dais.

 **BUFFY** : Tracy, can you--?

But Xander’s already there, grabbing Barbara’s arm.

 **XANDER** {smiling}: I’ll show ya how it’s done. All in the fabric softener.

Batgirl lets herself be led out, smiling back.

 **BATGIRL** : It is, huh?

 **WILLOW** {jealous again}: Are they...?

 **BUFFY** : He wishes. A lot.

For a few seconds they say nothing.

 **WILLOW** : Well?

 **BUFFY** {playing dumb}: Well, what?

 **WILLOW** {resolve face}: More story.

 **BUFFY** : It’s not that--

Willow’s arms fling out animatedly.

 **WILLOW** : You’re dating Wonder Woman! There’s a “wo” in front of the “man” part!

Every slayer in Command Central is looking at their leader, who’s trying to duck into herself, a la, a turtle.

 **BUFFY** : Let’s discuss not here.

Willow’s hands cross her chest--she’s standing her ground.

 **BUFFY** {sighing}: She just wanted to make Batman jealous. ‘Cause she liked him. Then it didn’t work, ‘cause he’s a jackass. So she needed to vent, and wanted me to come with. To her island home. Her “no men allowed” home--kinda familiar lately. And I met her mother, and got tan, and battled some for fun, and somehow we were making out. Really. Me. And a _Princess_. I dunno how it happened. Can the story be over?

______

 

**CASTLE HALL**

**ALMOST NOON**

 

A dressed-down Barbara--in a shirt and jeans--and Buffy are walking through the damp, stone corridor, passing slayers as they go. Willow’s discreetly tailing them.

 **BUFFY** : Not that I’m not glad to see you, and Kara makes Dawn forget to be moody, but why--

 **BARBARA** {grinning}: --isn’t a six-foot-tall, _of course_ -she-was-clay Amazon, here instead?

 **BUFFY** : 5’11. And she doesn’t feel like...

Now she blushes.

 **BUFFY** : Uh, I mean, why dimension hop? Today? You aren’t just here to hang.

 **BARBARA** : We’ve got a problem. And I had to convince Bruce to let us break it to you first, or you’d hit him again.

At this, Buffy stops, Barbara with her, and Willow ducks into an alcove, panicky.

 **BUFFY** : Why would I want to this time?

 **BARBARA** : The Joker knows. About your...world. We think he found a way to come here.

Buffy looks up at the ceiling and exhales.

 **BUFFY** : You’re right. I woulda hit him. {beat} We had a deal. I keep my demons on my side, you keep your supervillain-y people on your side. I actually borrowed some of Xander’s comics and, how come they never stay in jail anyway?

Barbara visibly shivers.

 **BARBARA** : Don’t bring up the “C-Word,” okay? It’s just weird.

 **BUFFY** : Sorry.

She closes her eyes in realization, then opens them again.

 **BUFFY** : I’m gonna need his help--crap.

They resume walking. Willow does the same after peeking out.

 **BUFFY** : Tell him he better listen to me, Barbara. And keep a low profile. If people found out you all existed...badness would ensue. Complicated badness.

Barbara’s palms go up, and she shakes her head.

 **BARBARA** : Don’t put me in the middle of this. _You_ can tell him. But even if he does? Listen? The Joker doesn’t know the meaning of “low profile.”

Dramatic pause.

 **BUFFY** : So why isn’t Diana here?

 **BARBARA** {smirking}: She’s in Brazil. Our Brazil. Speaking at some global conference about conserving the Rainforest.

Buffy has a pleased reaction to this side of her girlfriend, and then her eyes widen in worry.

 **BUFFY** : She’s coming after, isn’t she?

______

 

**ANDROID’S DUNGEON COMIC SHOP**

**MANHATTAN, YESTERDAY**

 

The annoyed **OWNER** is behind his counter of power, while a **BROWSER** is at a rack flipping through the merchandise.

The owner moves around from behind his counter, walks up to the browser, and taps shoulder. As the browser turns around, the book he’s reading stays in front of his face. It’s a near-mint, first printing of “The Killing Joke.” The owner gasps in horror.

It shouldn’t be mixed in there, and absolutely shouldn’t be free of the Mylar.

 **OWNER** : Do you have any idea what you’re holding, man? Unless you got the cash, hand it over. Gentle.

Noises of disappointment come from the other side of the book’s cover. Like the kind you’d make pressing your tongue against the back of your teeth.

 **BROWSER** : This doesn’t look _a_ _thing_ like me!

As the book begins to tear in two, it’s revealed that this person is the actual **JOKER**. The owner gasps in horror again, this time legitimately. Joker throws both halves aside.

 **JOKER** : I’ll sue!

Then he presses on the gag flower pinned to his signature, purple suit, releasing his very  own, patented “Joker Gas” into the owner’s face, who coughs and gags.

 **JOKER** {wide, toothy, evil smile}: After I burn this place to the ground.

He pats both his pants pockets, then jacket pockets, and just as he grits his teeth in anger, seems to remember. Reaching inside the jacket’s lining, he comes out with a match, then strikes it on the owner’s cheek.

He tosses the lit match behind him, laughing with ever-increasing psychotic intensity as he walks away. The flames begin to burn, and the now fetal owner stretches his mouth into an unnatural grin as he laughs uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face.


	3. Issue Two

**WATCHTOWER SPACE STATION**

**COMMISSARY, THREE MONTHS AGO**

 

 **BOOSTER GOLD** is sitting with **ELONGATED MAN** and **VIGILANTE**. **WILDCAT** with **BLACK CANARY**. Superman and **MARTIAN MANHUNTER**. Batman with Green Lantern and **VIXEN**. Supergirl with **GREEN ARROW** and **ZATANNA**. And so on and so forth. Flash is also sitting with someone.

 **FLASH** : ...I’m telling you, almost wanna ask for an autograph. You look just like that guy! Which, dude, trust me? Total compliment. Because that show _rocked_. You want, I’ll grab my DVDs right now.

Over by the salad bar, Buffy stands with a Chicken Caesar wrap and bottled water already on her tray. Chewing her lip, she can’t decide on the rest.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : I wouldn’t.

 **BUFFY** : Why...

She turns her head and stares right at lower points of the W that spreads out across that iconic breast-plate. Her eyes travel up Wonder Woman’s statuesque form, until finally landing on the Amazon’s face and those striking blue eyes.

 **BUFFY** : ...not?

 **WONDER WOMAN** : The lettuce is wilted. Always.

The **COMMISSARY WORKER** on the other side of the salad bar who’s cutting up more tomatoes, glares. Wonder Woman stares the worker right back down.

 **BUFFY** {skeptical}: You eat salad?

Wonder Woman’s forgotten about the worker. Her face says she doesn’t quite know how to take the question, but she’s assumed it’s implying something not nice. Her hands go on her hips, and she’s looking purposefully down at the smaller Buffy. Height difference? Yeah.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : Are all your sisters that size?

 **BUFFY** : Really aren’t. Except, it’s just _a_ sis...

Wrong sisters.

 **BUFFY** {realizing}: ...oh.

Then, realizing the dig...

 **BUFFY** : Or, hey!

 **WONDER WOMAN** {face-betraying smirk}: Most warriors I know don’t usually need to look up.

Buffy tries to stand tall and rigid, almost on the tips of her shoes, looking as intimidating as she can muster.

 **WONDER WOMAN** {thoughtful}: But you are a warrior, aren’t you?

 **BUFFY** : Wanna find out?

 **WONDER WOMAN** {smiling}: Not on an empty stomach. You’re welcome to join me, by the way.

She remembers the worker, looks at them again.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : But truthfully...the lettuce worries me. It’s very likely poisonous. 

Buffy picks up her tray, and heeding the advice, takes a big, obvious step backward. Then she turns around to follow Wonder Woman.

 **BUFFY** : Been a while since I sat at the cool table.

It’s possible she’s getting her own, sarcastic, dig in here. But they head off.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : Hmm. Maybe you won’t seem so small when we’re sitting down.

 **BUFFY** : Oh yeah--I kinda hated the cool table. Remember now.

 **SUPERGIRL** (V.O.): But even then, it was obvious that they--

 **DAWN** (V.O.): Don’t wanna know this, don’t wanna know this!

______

 

**SCOTLAND SLAYER HQ**

**BARN, PRESENT**

 

Dawn’s sitting with her knees up against her chest, hands over her ears, and the dwarfed Supergirl is standing on the left knee with a satisfied grin.

 **SUPERGIRL** : If you did, it wouldn’t be as fun.

Dawn stares down at her tiny friend with a scowl as her arm moves down as well.

 **DAWN** : I can’t believe we’re best friends sometimes.

Her large, right hand now rests in front of Supergirl, fingers positioned in an “about to flick” manner. A moment later she attacks, but Supergirl isn’t there anymore. The blonde is suddenly hovering, tongue sticking out tauntingly.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Aw come on, it’s romantic. Shouldn’t you be happy for your sister?

Dawn’s face does its best, “ _Please_.”

 **DAWN** : Why? She gets to ride around in an invisible jet, and I’m...

 **SUPERGIRL** : It isn’t her fault you cheated on that guy.

 **DAWN** : Duh, am I saying that? I just want her to, I dunno, care. I’m the size of frickin’ King Kong, Andrew says maybe _bigger_ depending on which movie, and she still doesn’t notice me, Kar.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Maybe you gotta make her.

She flies up to be face level with Dawn.

 **SUPERGIRL** : You think it’s easy being Superman’s spunky, teenage cousin? Who’s a girl? It was hard enough in Metropolis, but ever since he let me join the League...

Her eyes look to the floor, and she slides hair behind her ear.

 **SUPERGIRL** : ...there’re a lot of amazing shadows to live in, yunno?

 **DAWN** : At least you don’t hafta feel like a fre... {she blinks} Wuh-h-hey, you’re flying!

 **SUPERGIRL** {eyebrows up}: Um, duh?

 **DAWN** : But I thought...with the sun and everything...?

Supergirl goes right up next to Dawn’s left eye and holds her hand out. A ring with a sparkly, yellow gemstone is snug on her finger.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Zatanna conjured it for me after I told her the sun bites here. It absorbs the energy from _ours_ like, into itself--or something--so as long as I’m wearing it, my powers work in this dimension. Pretty sweet, huh?

She backs off a little. You can only be so close to the white of someone’s humongous eye before it starts to get gross.

 **DAWN** : Yeah, sweet. For you.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Didn’t you notice how no one needed to catch us this time? Geez, Buffy’s not the only slow one.

Dawn’s eyes narrow, and she fills her cheeks full of breath, which she then huffs and puffs at Supergirl, who tumbles into the barn door, and drops onto some bales of hay. Eventually, she picks herself up, and brushes herself off.

 **SUPERGIRL** {winks}: Not bad. I can do better, though.

Dawn sticks _her_ tongue out.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Ahh! Best idea! The League is so past due for a giant in the ranks! We need you, I’m serious! Albert doesn’t count. And you’d kick Giganta’s butt so fast. She fixes her hair, Dawn. In the middle of a fight. I’ve actually seen her.

Dawn’s unable to hide the fact that she’s unsure about making such a life choice.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Just saying, it would get Buffy’s attention...

 **DAWN** : I won’t be like this forever. I hope.

 **SUPERGIRL** {positive smile}: Hey, ‘til you’re not, which, uh, is gonna be totally soon...no matter how huge a freak you think you are? Question walks around without a face. Think about _that_.

 **DAWN** : Because he really doesn’t have one, or...?

 **SUPERGIRL** : Find out sometime. Dare ya.

Though disturbed by the possibilities, Dawn soon smiles.

 **DAWN** : Thanks, Kara. {evil grin} Waitaminute! What if it was Clark and Lois? Hmmmmmm? How about then? Still romantic much?

And they’re right back where they started. If possible, Supergirl appears even more disturbed than her friend was moments ago. She turns green (not literally), and covers her mouth like she’s trying to suppress her gag reflex.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Super-hearing isn’t always the greatest.

 **DAWN** : Oh my god! Holy fluck!

Her interest just became extremely peaked. Her face is somewhat red, but her eyes are shining with curiosity large enough to match her size. In this instance, she’s nowhere near slow.

 **DAWN** : You seriously did?

Supergirl’s now sitting on the hay bales, hiding her face with her hands. Probably because hers is as red as Dawn’s.

 **SUPERGIRL** : I...picked the wrong weekend to stay at his apartment once. Blech.

Her hands move off her face, and her eyes roll upward. She’s distracted by something. Her super hearing is coming in useful in this instance.

 **SUPERGIRL** : They’re here.

After a few seconds of silence, dust is being stirred up and falling, as the sound of Wonder Woman’s jet passes over the barn outside. Supergirl approaches the barn door, and Dawn gets on her hands and knees so she’s right up beside it.

Supergirl opens the door to give them just enough room to see out.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Bet you there’s tongue. Ten dollars.

 **DAWN** : Shut up! Super-Jerk.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Wow. Original.

There’s a beat, then--

 **DAWN** : Twenty there isn’t.

 **SUPERGIRL** : You’re on.

______

 

**OUTSIDE TRAINING GROUNDS**

**EARLY EVENING**

 

Buffy, Barbara, Xander, and another, **UNNAMED SLAYER** , have come to greet the newly arrived Diana and Bruce Wayne, who stand by the transparent jet’s wing.}

 **BARBARA** {saluting}: Howdy, Boss. Di.

 **UNNAMED SLAYER** : Hey, Wonder Woman. And...Bruce Wayne?

{She leans back to whisper to Xander.}

 **UNNAMED SLAYER** : What’s a billionaire doing here?

 **DIANA** : How have you been, Clobber Girl?

 **UNNAMED SLAYER/CLOBBER GIRL** {leaning forward, caught}: Good, I like it here. But it’s just, just Grace now.

 **DIANA** : “Grace.” It’s a beautiful name. {turns to Xander} Hello, Xander.

 **XANDER** : Buh.

Buffy makes a coughing sound, then tries to look away, disinterested. But she soon steps away from the people she came with, same as Diana, and they meet in the middle.

 **BUFFY** : ‘Bout time you showed.

 **DIANA** : It wasn’t my fault-- _I_ pack lightly. I refuse to perpetuate that myth.

They kiss warmly, but don’t break “lip seal.” Diana’s face is above Buffy’s, but when the kiss is done, she looks curious. Something’s different. The Amazon’s eyes drift downward to see Buffy wearing stylish, yet affordable boots that have added to her height.

 **BUFFY** : New boots. Hi.

 **DIANA** : Hi.

They pull back, and if they turned their heads, they’d see Bruce. But he’s looking in the direction of the castle, not at them.

 **BUFFY** {offhandedly, also not looking}: Bruce.

 **BRUCE** : Mm.

 **DAWN** : Hah! Pay up. Buffy may have creepy, vampire-sex, probably with shackles and stuff, but she’s not a P.D.A. skank! {beat} D’you even have pockets in those shorts?

Everyone turns, looking towards the barn where her voice came from. Buffy’s trying to compensate for her embarrassment by glowering.

 **SUPERGIRL** : Big mouth!

 **DAWN** : Um, love you, sis!

Then the door fully closes.

 **DIANA** : Shackles?

 **BARBARA** : And stuff?

Bruce has finally joined everyone else. Buffy and Diana re-mingle as well, but Diana goes to stand side-by-side with Barbara so they can both stare at Buffy inquisitively.

 **BRUCE** : That’s not why we’re here.

 **BUFFY** : Yeah, him. Agree with him. For once.

They’re each somewhat unsettled by this. Xander, who’s stepped to Diana’s other side, cares not.

 **XANDER** : Can I be Luggage Guy?

 **BARBARA** {smirking}: He just wants to see inside your jet.

 **DIANA** : Please, I’d appreciate it.

She nods toward the unsociable Bruce.

 **DIANA** : So would he. It’s hard to tell, I know.

Xander, like an excited little boy, hurries towards the jet, and the jet’s ladder.

 **BUFFY** : He can’t...you know. Can he?

 **DIANA** : The jet needs my vocal authorization. And J’onn promised he had that problem with the launchers taken care of.

 **BUFFY** : Wha...problem? There was a problem?

Diana grins, Buffy’s un-amused.

 **BUFFY** : That’s your idea of funny? We haven’t seen each other in a week because we have the weirdest definition of “long distance relationship” ever, and--

Bruce feels the need to clear his throat. He’s suddenly in Buffy’s personal space.

 **BRUCE** : Has there been any sign of the Joker?

Buffy faces him, arms across her chest, annoyed. They’re just staring at each other. Barbara’s and Diana’s eyes roll.

Meanwhile, Barbara walks over to the jet, where Xander makes his way out with what looks to be a heavy, metal briefcase. His feet are on the ladder’s top rung. He seems wobbly.

Barbara’s looking up at him, at the foot of the ladder, but back a few steps.

 **BARBARA** : I’ll catch.

 **XANDER** : Uh, sure about that?

 **BARBARA** : What, you don’t think I can?

 **XANDER** {to himself}: Man, wasn’t expecting to taste foot this soon.

Without further preamble, he allows himself to fall backward, and he and Barbara become a heap on the ground.

 **BARBARA** : Ow. I meant the case, you dork.

 **XANDER** : Just lost every point, didn’t I?

 **BARBARA** : Depends what’s broken.

Bruce shoots a look at them. Well, more at the briefcase.

 **BRUCE** : Be careful with that. {focuses on Buffy again} Well?

It’s Alpha Male to Alpha Female. Lover-Who-Is to Lover-Who-Never-Was.

 **BUFFY** : No sign. Maybe he’s lazy and didn’t make one.

 **BRUCE** : There will be.

 **BUFFY** : We’ll be ready to move when he does.

 **BRUCE** : You have no idea who you’re dealing with.

 **BUFFY** : Isn’t that why you’re _helping_?

 **BRUCE** : What I’m saying, is follow my lead.

 **BUFFY** : Anybody ever tell you that minus the black, you’re less with the scary? And the pointy ears and the cape and the everything else? {eyes narrow} Here’s what happens. You follow _my_ lead, I follow your _suggestions_ and/or advice. ‘Kay?

Barbara and Xander are still picking themselves up.

 **BARBARA** : I’d say they should just measure already, but...wouldn’t really work, would it?

 **XANDER** {cringing}: Wrong, _wrong_ visual place.

Suddenly, Grace squeals in surprise.

 **GRACE** : Bruce Wayne is _Batman_? Wicked!

This gets no one’s attention. Diana steps up to both of the not-backing-down leaderly types.

 **DIANA** : Are you both finished?

 **BRUCE** : Mm.

He heads to a recovered Barbara and Xander, and picks his case off the ground. Then he heads towards the castle. Buffy lets her arms hang down, and exhales.

 **BUFFY** : Barbara, you wanna...?

 **BARBARA** : On it.

She jogs over to catch up to her nocturnal employer. Xander takes a deep breath.

 **XANDER** : Once more into the breach goes me.

While he does that, Diana’s beside Buffy again.

 **DIANA** : That went better than last time.

Buffy moves so she can collapse into her girlfriend’s body, exhausted by the verbal sparring. Diana’s hand is on the small of her back.

 **BUFFY** {muffled}: Him I didn’t miss.

 **DIANA** : You respect him. And he respects you.

 **BUFFY** {still muffled}: Spill n’ I deny. Lived in Sunnydale--I’m good at it.

Above, from a castle window, Willow has been watching them, and sees Grace head inside before returning her gaze to the couple.

 **DIANA** : ...Shackles?

______

 

**SPARE CASTLE BEDROOM**

**LESS THAN TEN MINUTES LATER**

 

Bruce sits on the bed with his case open and his back to Barbara, who’s leaning on the wall by the door. There’s an area rug on the floor, and an armoire standing against the far wall.

 **BARBARA** : There they go.

 **BRUCE** : What?

 **BARBARA** : Any doubts I still had about you not being a people person. {beat} She gave you your own room at least.

 **BRUCE** : If this is going to be what I think it is, I’m not interested.

 **BARBARA** : Yeah, you never are. It was one of the first things Dick warned me about trying.

Bruce has looked up from the case, but still isn’t facing her.

 **BARBARA** : But when boys are being, well, boys, it’s better just to tune them out.

She pushes off the wall, and goes behind him, trying to look over his shoulder. She catches a glimpse inside the case. The bat-gadgets are within. Belt, batarangs, smoke grenades, aerosols, bat-grapple, etc.

 **BARBARA** : It is Buffy’s turf. And she’s right. We’re here, but we can’t _be here_. In this world, we aren’t supposed to be real. Her friend Willow thought she had brain damage when she saw us.

 **BRUCE** : I won’t jeopardize Batman or Gotham just to make things easier on her, Barbara. The Joker only has to catch a glimpse of Bruce Wayne in this world, and he’ll put two and two together.

 **BARBARA** : He could think you’re Superman.

Now he looks a little pissed. He turns to look at her finally.

 **BARBARA** : What am I saying? Superman smiles. {weak smile, and a beat} You know five different guys have been _you_ in actual, legit movies? Xander showed me. Two were kind of cute, but...

Buffy and Diana are walking by the room and down the hall. Buffy’s carrying her girlfriend’s bag.

 **DIANA** : I’m not having this conversation again. It was my mother’s.

 **BUFFY** : Who’s great. And it’s a thing, a working thing. M’understanding that. It isn’t that I don’t like it...because I do.  Biggest fan, really. The bracelets are shiny, and the underwear’s...um, very Pro-American. Plus, rest of the outfit? Accentuate-y.

They’ve both passed the door now, but the talking continues.

 **BUFFY** : But don’t you think it’s sorta--?

 **DIANA** : No.

Bruce closes the case, forcefully.

 **BRUCE** : We wouldn’t need to be here now, if they’d just taken that girl three months ago and gone. For good.

 **BARBARA** : Or, when the big, important Justice League brain-trust fires a lunch lady, they make sure she--

He asks a silent question, throwing her off.

 **BARBARA** : Relax, you’re conscious, aren’t you? {beat} They’re our friends. And they’ve helped out more than once. I don’t hafta tell you that. We owe them--try to play nice?

Then she braces herself for impact as she goes out on a shaky limb.

 **BARBARA** : You sure this isn’t all about Dian--?

 **BRUCE** {“don’t challenge me” eyes}: Still not interested.

She smiles sadly at her failed attempt, then turns to go.

 **BARBARA** : Whatever you say, Boss.

She stops short at the door, because Xander’s suddenly in the way, with a regular suitcase in hand this time. They smile at each other, she steps aside, and he comes into the room.

 **XANDER** : Hey, Batm...guh, Bru...uh, Mr. Wayne? Sir?

He sets down the suitcase next to the door.

 **XANDER** : Got this outta the...

Trailing off, he puts a finger to his ear. Someone’s speaking into the earpiece.

 **XANDER** : Copy that.

Bruce begins to stand.

 **BARBARA** : What is it?

 **XANDER** : Think we got a hit.

He starts to grin like the geek he is at heart. Bruce stares at him disapprovingly. He gulps.

 **XANDER** : Which is a bad. So I’m gonna...sergeant.

Bruce gets closer and Xander throws his thumb backward, out the door.

 **XANDER** : Thattaway.

Barbara stares at the now empty doorway a little too long.

 **BRUCE** : Something I should know?

She doesn’t turn around.

 **BARBARA** : One dad’s plenty, thanks.

______

 

**CASTLE COMMAND CENTRAL**

 

Willow, Barbara, Xander and Bruce all standing behind the green-haired Tracy, sitting at her monitor. Buffy enters in a run, Diana following. The Amazon is more walking with urgency.

 **BUFFY** : Who’s hit? How bad? Where?

They’re all looking at her with various smirks. Well, Bruce’s expression is rather neutral. Her hands move up self-consciously.

 **BUFFY** : What? Is there something on my face?

 **XANDER** : _A_ hit, Bufster. Y’know, blip on the radar? Flag on the grid? Pi-- 

 **BARBARA** : It’s the Joker.

 **BRUCE** : Or so we’ve been told.

 **WILLOW** {whispering to Barbara}: Is he always this grouchy?

 **BARBARA** {whispering back}: This isn’t “grouchy.” It gets so much worse.

Willow smiles before she remembers she doesn’t like her fellow redhead.

 **BUFFY** : So, not my face. {to Diana} Coulda stopped me before I was an ass.

That’s twice she’s been embarrassed in less than a half hour.

 **DIANA** : It happened so quickly. There wasn’t time.

 **BUFFY** : I can get you banished again. Your mom likes me.

 **DIANA** : She likes that you aren’t male.

 **BUFFY** {shaking her head}: I don’t even know why we go out anymore.

Smirking has recommenced. Bruce has gone from neutral to annoyed.

 **BRUCE** : Start taking this seriously.

 **BUFFY** : I would, but you’re kind of a hog. Seriously.

 **XANDER** {claps his hands together}: Looks like we’re all a’gathered, so...

He clearly wants to stop the staring match before it begins round two. Buffy and Diana join the others, and they all turn toward Tracy’s monitor.

 **XANDER** : You’re on, Trace.

On her screen is a webpage. We’re at--

 **WILLOW** : Ugh, YouTube?

 **TRACY** : All right, so I might’ve been getting lost down a rabbit hole of time lapse videos about clown makeup. But then...

She clicks, and in a moment the video plays. In the window is Joker’s suited, upper chest. Only his chest.   

 **JOKER** : Loners, perverts, the blogosphere! Lend me your ears! {beat} Careful, I might not give them back. HA!

Then he realizes...

 **JOKER** : HARLEY!

The camera whips up, bringing his very angry face front-and-center.

 **HARLEY** : Oops. Sorry, puddin’.

His fist comes up, ready to punch. It holds there for a moment, then lowers as he relaxes into a smile. He puts his hand to the side of his mouth.

 **JOKER** : Means well, but the bulb’s a little dim.

 **HARLEY** : HEY!

 **JOKER** : Anywhoo...I just flew in from out of town, and boy, my arms aren’t tired at all. Why the visit, you ask? Gotham just doesn’t get the joke, kiddies. I need a new audience. One that won’t see the punch line coming. But before we can laugh to--

The video freezes.

 **TRACY** : It’s gotta, um, rebuffer.

 **XANDER** : C’mon!

THWACK.

 **WILLOW** : Don’t hit the monitor, sweetie.

The video resumes.

 **JOKER** : --gether, I need funding. Capital. Dead Colonials. Would’ve let Lexie out of his box back in Metropolis, but then old Cue-ball would just try to upstage me. That’s why my new pal...

He steps aside enough so we see someone tied on a chair with duct tape over his mouth.

 **JOKER** : ...Timmy here, created this ingenious thing called a PayPal account, so all of _you_ , can send _me_ your money. Right from your chairs! You don’t even have to get up off of those fat, wonderful keisters!

He pretends to wipe a tear from his eye.

 **JOKER** : God bless Al Gore.

He walks to Tim and grabs his chin.

 **JOKER** : Mommy must be proud. When did you say she gets home?

Then he pets his cheek and goes in front of the camera again. He holds up a piece of poster board. It reads: YOURUNCLEJOKER@LETSKILLTHEBAT.COM.

 **JOKER** : Click all donations to, “yourunclejoker(at)letskillthebat(dot)com.”

He lowers the poster board, tosses it aside.

 **JOKER** : That’s right, gentle viewers, first thing’s first—clipping Batman’s wings. Talk about a guy who doesn’t get the joke...he’s like the faithful dog I knew I never wanted. No matter how many times I drive him into the middle of oncoming traffic, he always comes back for another kick in the snout.

 **HARLEY** : Mixin’ your animal metaphors, aren’tcha, Mr. J?

 **JOKER** : I’m supposed to, I’m insane!

He relaxes again.

 **JOKER** : Whaddaya say, my world, wide web of fans out there? Help me exterminate the oversized, flying rodent once and for all, then the games can _truly_ begin!

He walks back to Tim, then turns his head toward camera, with a menacing grin.

 **JOKER** : And if you’re watching, Bats, ‘til it’s time for our familiar, grim fandango...

The camera starts to slowly zoom in, and he holds up a knife.

 **JOKER** : ...see you in the funny pages.

The window goes black in the middle of his laughter fit. They all stare at it, frozen.

 **WILLOW** {pale}: He wasn’t really going to...Goddess, this _really_ isn’t ‘cause I was a little caffeine binge-y the other day, is it? This is happening, this is...nuts.

 **BARBARA** : He definitely is.

 **BRUCE** {to Buffy}: Now do you understand?

 **BUFFY** : Wish I didn’t.

Her face goes hard.

 **BUFFY** : We need a location. Anything from the news? Anywhere?

 **GRACE** : Got something.

Everyone goes over to her and her monitor, then hovers behind her.

 **GRACE** : Top link goes to a news station in New York. A comic book store burned down in Lower Manhattan yesterday, cops think it’s arson...and a couple people saw a guy in purple walking away from the scene before they got there.

 **BRUCE** : It’s him.

 **BARBARA** : And if he was in...that shop...just guessing here but, what’re the odds he _didn’t_ find out who you are? 

 **BRUCE** : {to Buffy} What’s your plan?

A corner of Barbara’s mouth upturns.

 **BUFFY** : Figure it out when we get there.

 **XANDER** : This ain’t good.

 **WILLOW AND BARBARA** : And nuts.

They both smile. This time Willow doesn’t take hers back, because she sees she isn’t being mocked.

 **XANDER** : “Demons” plus “goodness that ain’t” I get, but...

 **DIANA** : At least no one would seriously consider giving that psychopath their money.

No one else is nearly as confident as the sometimes naïve princess.

 **BUFFY** : We get there _fast_.


	4. Issue Three

**INSIDE WONDER WOMAN’S JET**

**FLYING TOWARD NEW YORK CITY**

**NEXT DAY**

 

Diana’s piloting with Buffy parked in the seat beside her. Behind them are Bruce and Kara. The teenager from another planet is passing the time reading a comic book.

**KARA** : I’d fall out of the sky with those!

**XANDER** {through her earpiece}: Tell me you’re not bending the cover back.

Yes, yes she is. She takes her hand away and lets it unbend.

**KARA** : I’m not bending the cover back. Does Barbara know what’s in this?

She gets no response, and smirks.

**DIANA** : So. You flew a few days ago. With Willow.

The slayer’s eyes shut momentarily.

**_BUFFY’S THOUGHT_** : _Damn it._ That’s _why she wanted to teleport ahead._

**DIANA** : Funny, in all the stories you shared, you never mentioned she could.

**BUFFY** : I didn’t know...before. I mean, she didn’t used to. {eyes open} Diana...

Her head turns toward her excellent multitasker of a girlfriend, who keeps staring straight.

**DIANA** : You’ll fly with her, with Shayera...

**BUFFY** : Bizarro dropped me! I was plummeting!

**DIANA** : I guess we remember it differently.

**BUFFY** : It’s not you--how many times am I gonna hafta say? My feet like being grounded. Never went on roller coasters when I was little. Hot air balloons? Big no. I didn’t even watch “Airplane” ‘til after I was alive. The third time. And maybe I don’t...wanna ride my girlfriend in mid-air.

She leans forward, looking down out the windows at the clouds and blue skies.

**BUFFY** : There’re people down there. With cameras. Good cameras.

She leans back, flush. Diana has a small grin, Kara’s snickering, and Bruce is pinching the bridge of his nose, shutting out the world.

**DIANA** : New York is supposed to have excellent Chinese food...which people in this country only believe because the closest they’ve come to Asia is through television. Still, once this is over, we could...try some.

**BUFFY** : Ooh. Chinatown! It’s a definite date. Hope we see those paper-dragon thingies.

**DIANA** : You’re buying.

**BUFFY** {smiling}: When don’t I?

**BRUCE** : Are we there yet?

______

 

**MANHATTAN SLAYER HQ**

**LOFT BALCONY**

 

Willow slides the balcony door closed again as she steps outside. Barbara’s there, standing at the balcony wall, looking out over the city. Sounds of traffic, construction, and urban life waft up from below.

**WILLOW** : This is less noisy?

**BARBARA** : I’m used to it. {beat} In there, though...

**WILLOW** : I’m used to “girl noisy.” {blush} That came out wrong.

Barbara laughs, turns around, and pushes herself up so she sits on the wall.

**BARBARA** : I’ve never been mobbed like that. I’d rather be alone with Two Face and Killer Croc. {eyes widen} Talk about coming out wrong...

Both of them blanch. Then Willow perches herself next to Barbara.

**WILLOW** : You’re not super popular back home? You’re Batgirl!

**BARBARA** : Kara is. I try to disappear. Dark clothes? {beat} Bruce’s main rule is, “don’t get noticed.” Massive property damage is no problem, just don’t let anyone spot you. That’s why I always tease him about being a founding member of the League--they’re always news.

She looks back toward the door.

**BARBARA:** But those girls...I don’t get it. They didn’t all...read about me, did they?

**WILLOW** : Probably a high percent. “Girl nerds” are in. It’s a movement now.

**BARBARA** : What about the other percent?

**WILLOW** : Andrew’s fault.

**BARBARA** : Oh, _him_.

**WILLOW** : You’re in the “orientation video” him and Vi made when we first started recruiting. He had this whole section about how they didn’t need superpowers to already be strong. His examples were “Pi”-long. You, Princess Leia, Captain Janeway, Gabrielle, President Roslin, Ripley...his heart was in a...place.

**BARBARA** : Lemme guess...all fictional?

**WILLOW** : Last week? Yep. Today? They-they maybe aren’t. Somewhere. D’you ever wonder how--?

**BARBARA** : --nuts it is?

**WILLOW** {guilty look}: I didn’t mean...we smiled! Remember?

**BARBARA** : Then it’s because I like Xander.

**WILLOW** : Used to “girl noises.” In a happy way.

That didn’t come out wrong.

**BARBARA** : Because I’m friends with Buffy? That’s all I got.

There’re several beats of silence as Willow decides what to say.

**WILLOW** : Xander and I were best friends before he said words, and I kinda did have a crush for, uh, eighteen years, so I liked what he liked. “You” comic books were my favorite.

She raises her hand.

**WILLOW** : High percent person. I wore your costume for Halloween; um, when I was eight. We had lots in common. Our... {points to her red hair} ...an-and regular, old girl nerds with nifty hacking skills. Sure, maybe I didn’t use mine for important stuff like you, but hey, I pretended my little tushie off!

Here she sighs, then settles on an accepting smile.

**WILLOW:** He could never really see, though.

**BARBARA** : So I was right.

**WILLOW** : And the-the “Buffy” reason, too. You’re her new me.

**BARBARA** : And you’re an unbelievably huge liar.

**WILLOW** : You never said “all of the above”! There was no “D”!

**BARBARA** : If I’m the new you, how come she talked about her best friend all the time?

**WILLOW** : She did? Buffy did?

**BARBARA** {nods}: Both of them. They missed you, Willow. Six months is a long time.

She’s obviously fishing for information, but Willow doesn’t take the bait.

**BARBARA** : Listen, I don’t wanna get in between you guys. Getting away, coming here, having a friend like Buffy...I love it. Plus, Xander’s just...sweet. But once we stop the Joker, I’ll go home. For good. If you want me to.

**WILLOW** : How come you couldn’t be a bitch? {beat} You can’t go. Buffy and Xander haven’t been shiny happy people, even sorta, since Sunnydale sank off all maps forever. But with you and Wonder...Diana, their faces are smiley-faces. Besides, when I wasn’t fighting pretend crimes...I always pretended we were friends.

She picks at her dress.

**WILLOW** : You’re right. I was...by myself. For a long time. Then I’m back and Warren’s alive and still no-skinned, Dawnie’s Dawnie and we’re Lilliput, poor Switzerland got robbed, some mystery man-guy hates magick, “Rainbow Buffy” isn’t just a dream I...d-don’t have, and I’m babbling. To _Batgirl_. Missed so much. I dunno if I fit anymore.

**BARBARA** : You do. It’s all in your head. {hops off the wall} C’mon, it has to’ve died down in there, and I need to hack that account before they land. You can watch.

**WILLOW** {also hops down}: I hack, too! Speedy...er. Than you.

**BARBARA** : Do you even remember how to use a computer?

Willow interlocks her fingers and stretches them out.

**WILLOW** : Get me a wireless card and a mocha.

**BARBARA** {hand out}: Loser pays for lunch? For the entire loft?

Willow shakes, they walk over to the door, and Barbara slides it open.

**WILLOW** : Thanks.

Barbara smiles as they go inside, while Willow becomes distracted.

**WILLOW** {pouting}: Your head’s more red.

______

 

**A MULTI-LEVEL HOME**

**SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK CITY**

 

Joker is at a kitchen table, in a cramped, unassuming kitchen on the second level, wearing glasses and making notes. His purple coat hangs on the back of his chair. Several sheets of paper are strewn across the table, in various, crumpled states.

He balls up the one he’s writing on, tosses it in frustration.

**JOKER** : No, no, NO!

**HARLEY** {from the other room}: How’s the plan comin’?

**JOKER** : The pressure’s been _murder_. {blows air up into his face} I usually love that! How’s our little nest egg coming along?

**HARLEY** : Almost a hundred G’s and countin’.

**JOKER** {giggling}: They grow up so fast.

Loud crashes and the general ruckus of fighting can be heard downstairs. He stands up sharply, and yanks the glasses off his face.

**JOKER** : Him? So soon? Impossible! His entrances are never this obvious. Well, they say an old bat’s sense of style is the first thing to go.

When he creeps downstairs, Harley has joined him, mallet in hand. The entire first level is an old barbershop. It hasn’t been in business for some time, which the sheen of dust over everything indicates. It’s a bit of a fixer upper.

Seeing that it _isn’t_ Batman towering tall over his three, unconscious henchmen, Joker goes to a chair, and pulls the sheet off it.

**JOKER** : Ooh, a customer! {produces a razor} Shave and a haircut? Only two bits. Why, that’s practically slitting my own wrists. Rather slit yours, though. {grins}

His “customer” may not be Batman, but they are primarily in black, wearing a mask. One pulled snug over their entire face, eyes included. There’s a design on it that looks like a weird, jigsaw piece that wouldn’t fit any puzzle. Long leather jacket, boots, gloves...

Intimidating figure, but **TWILIGHT** is a C-lister at first glance.

**TWILIGHT** : _YOU’RE INTERFERING WITH MY PLANS, CLOWN. THEY AREN’T MEANT TO COME HERE YET._

**JOKER** : All those frequent flyer miles...wasted! {slides his palm down his face} I wasn’t supposed to have competition! And from someone with such an unimaginative tailor. {sighs} Look what you did to poor Harpo, Chico and Zeppo.

**TWILIGHT** : _THEY WERE IN MY WAY. AS ARE YOU. LEAVE._

**HARLEY** : Get your own abandoned building! We were squatting here first!

She runs at him, ready to swing her mallet when it leaves her grip and floats into his. He drops it to the ground, snaps it under his boot, and reaches out to snare her throat.

With that one hand, he lifts her and throws her into one of the mirrors. She drops and slides off the counter below, onto broken glass.

**JOKER** {getting fearful}: Way to take one for the team, lambytoes.

He begins backing up, and Twilight levitates off the floor, gliding to him.

**JOKER** : This town must be big enough for the two of us. Share the stage! You won’t even know I’m there. {fingers cross behind his back} From one homicidal maniac to another, have a heart.

**TWILIGHT** : _I’M NOTHING LIKE YOU. I WANT TO BETTER THE WORLD, YOU ONLY WANT TO TEAR IT DOWN._

**JOKER** : Okay, okay! Hoo. {beat} I know they say never judge a book by its cover, but c’mon, yours seemed so obvious! And so tense! Just look at those shoulders. That’s why...

He’s hit a wall. He’s got nowhere to go.

**JOKER:** ...I think you need to bust a gut.

Twilight’s up next to his face. Turning to his old standby, he releases “Joker Gas” into Twilight’s mask via flower. As it clears, Twilight holds there for several beats, then--

**TWILIGHT** : _DON’T DO THAT AGAIN._

Joker swallows nervously. His razor clatters to the floor.

**TWILIGHT** : _NO HARM COMES TO THE SLAYER AND HER ARMY, OR YOU DIE. THIS IS A JACKET, NOT A CAPE. I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN._

He turns away, and a portal opens in front of him.

**JOKER** {straightening his tie}: That’s all? Not afraid there won’t be anything left once I’m through making the world smile? How do I know you won’t drop in to heckle my closing number?

**TWILIGHT** : _BECAUSE “HE” ALWAYS DOES._

With that, he exits. Joker sneers at the closing portal.

**JOKER:** Humph. No sense of humor.

He quickly looks perplexed.

**JOKER** : What’s a slayer? {to Harley} Any ideas?

Still slightly concussed, she tries to push herself up, but just collapses right back down.

**JOKER** : Didn’t think so.

He heads back upstairs.

**HARLEY** : Right behind ya, Mr. J.

______

 

**AN UPPER MANHATTAN HOSPITAL**

**EVENING**

 

Buffy and Diana step off an elevator as the doors open, onto the floor.

**BUFFY** : How do you fly, anyway? Always wondered.

**DIANA** {slightly offensive}: How do you walk?

**BUFFY** : I dunno. Just do.

**DIANA** : Exactly.

They walk toward the nurses’ station, Buffy trying not to look at the patients moving or wheeling by, some ill, some injured.

**BUFFY** : Hate hospitals. And that was a serious question. Go get the lasso if you don’t believe me.

**DIANA** {smiles}: It was Hermes’ gift when I was born.

**BUFFY** : {small voice} My Aunt Darlene made me a blanket.

**DIANA** : That’s a thoughtful gift.

**BUFFY** : Yeah, yeah. {sighs} Will and Barbara better be right about him getting brought here. Did they seem chummier than yesterday?

Before Diana can answer, they’ve reached the nurse’s station, and the **NURSE** at the desk is looking at them.

**NURSE** : Can I help you?

**DIANA** : We hope so. Could you tell us where we can find Timothy Bergman’s room, please?

The nurse takes in Diana’s height, quirks her eyebrow, and there’s a brief flash of recognition before she seemingly lets it pass.

**NURSE** : Friend or family?

**BUFFY** : Um, we’re more in the ‘well-wisher’ category. We saw what happened to him on the Internet and just wanted--

**NURSE** : Let me save you ladies the trouble. You two aren’t the first to come asking about that young man today, and when his mother heard about it...Doctor Fredricks ended up having to give the woman a valium to calm her down. Ask me she should sue that website.

**BUFFY** : Will he be okay?

**NURSE** : He’s got a lot of healing to do. {bends forward, talks low} It’s like that son of a bitch just wanted to see how much he could bleed without killing him.

Buffy and Diana share a grim look.

**DIANA** : Would it be all right if we waited? We don’t want to upset his mother any further, but maybe once she wakens, we could ask her permission to...

**BUFFY** : ...say hi.

**NURSE** {eyebrow quirks again}: I need to change his dressings in an hour. I’ll see if she’s up then. Meantime, you can sit over there.

**DIANA** : Thank you, Sister.

**NURSE** : {beat} Sure. Whatever.

The couple heads over to the chairs in the small lounge.

**BUFFY** : “Wakens”?

**DIANA** : Don’t get me started on your... {trying to be polite} ...loose grasp of language.

Seated, Buffy takes off her coat and makes a pillow out of it on Diana’s lap, before resting her head there.

**BUFFY** : You love my unconventional-ness.

**DIANA** : I think this is another one of those things we remember differently.

Her hand absently strokes the slayer’s hair.

**BUFFY** : Yeah, yeah. How do you think Plan B’s going?

______

 

**BERGMAN FAMILY’S APARTMENT**

**LOWER MANHATTAN**

 

“Plan B” is in progress. Willow magick’s open the locked door and ducks under the police tape to come into the small apartment. Living room and kitchen are almost one in the same.

**WILLOW** : Look at me, I’m breaking laws; I’m “Lawbreaker Willow.” I feel dirty.

**BATMAN** : You can shower after we’re done.

He steps out of the shadows next to the open window on the opposite side of the apartment. That’s how he got in. Willow nearly jumps out of her skin.

**WILLOW** : Don’t do that!

That was louder than she intended, and in an instant, his hand is clamped over her mouth.

**BATMAN** : Quiet.

**WILLOW** : Mmf srrpha.

He removes his hand, she dials down to a whisper.

**WILLOW** : I woulda been way more jumpy if you were “Frogman.” Whoo.

He stares at her.

**WILLOW** : I-I have frog fear.

**BATMAN** : You didn’t need to come.

**WILLOW** : Buffy made me backup. In case something CNN-able happens. Then I’ll just whip up a spell, and--

**BATMAN** : Nobody will ever know we were here. If. You’re. Quiet.

**WILLOW** : Can do. In high school I was mousey.

He heads away from her, down the small hallway, toward an ajar door at the end.

**WILLOW** {grumbling}: Grouch.

**BATMAN** : As soon as I find a trail worth following, don’t hesitate.

He isn’t speaking to her.

______

 

**SKIES OVER NEW YORK CITY**

 

Supergirl is flying, Batgirl on her back. They’ve done this before.

**SUPERGIRL** : Roger. I’ve got my ear to...like, everywhere.

**XANDER** {through their earpieces}: Satellite feed is live on this end. And Vi’s got all the shortest cuts mapped out. Give me an address and we’ll give you the route.

He coughs.

**XANDER** : So, uh, you and Will and the “bonding time” today...what’d you gals gab about?

**BATGIRL** {grinning}: Wouldn’t you like to know.

**XANDER** {under his breath}: Shit.

**BATGIRL** : She’s just lucky I called a draw.

She isn’t speaking to him. 

______

 

**BACK AT THE BERGMAN FAMILY’S APARTMENT**

 

Batman and Willow are in the boy’s bedroom now, staring at the bloodstain on the carpet and at the same chair from the video. He’s got a bed, a small shelf with a boom box on top, CDs and books below, and a desk where his computer should be. Few posters also.

Willow really wants to object to Barbara’s statement.

**BATMAN** : Keep the channel clear.

He starts doing his detective thing, inspecting the desk drawers, the trashcan underneath, etc. Willow tries to stay out of the way.

**WILLOW** : I wish his computer wasn’t gone.

**BATMAN** : It was in the crime scene report. The police took it as evidence.

**WILLOW** : I know, I’m just wishing. Worked one time.

She steps over to the closet door and looks inside. There’s a guitar, assorted odds’n’ends in a clear, storage box which she quickly searches, shirts and pants hanging up, and a set of IKEA-brand drawers filled with shorts, sweats, socks, underwear.

She pulls a black t-shirt down from its spot. Has the words, “Welcome to Strong Badia. Population: Tire,” and a picture of a tire with a snake through it, the snake’s tail grasping a knife, all set against a white, picket fence.

**WILLOW** : He has a laptop. Too.

She closes the door, and sees Batman standing up from a crouch by the bed.

**BATMAN** : Why?

**WILLOW** : Trust me. I keep my geekdar almost as honed as my lesbidar, and if he doesn’t, then I’ll be a French monkey’s aunt. With cute, little monkey glasses. Al-also, uh, there’s a battery for one in his closet. Anything under there?

**BATMAN** : It’s the bedroom of a fifteen-year-old.

It takes her a second, but she gets it. She automatically makes an “eew face,” but then cocks her head in curiosity.

**BATMAN** : There was no second computer mentioned in the report.

**WILLOW** : Nosiree-bat.

She giggles, he doesn’t.

**WILLOW:** Quiet?

**BATMAN** : If the police don’t have it, Joker didn’t want it found. But there’d be nothing on a kid’s laptop he’d want.

**WILLOW** : Except maybe more naked... {trails off} So, it-it’s still here? Why?

**BATMAN** : Because it’s part of whatever game he’s playing. {thinks} There was air...

**WILLOW** : Huh?

He moves the bed.

**BATMAN** : A vent. I felt heat.

Sure enough, there’s a vent in the wall, at floor level. A laptop could definitely hide there. The cover isn’t screwed in. He pulls it off and reaches cautiously inside. His hands find both sides and he slides the laptop out, but it’s harder than it should be.

Something weighs it down. A “Joke-in-the-Box” whose handle had started turning at first jostle. He hears the odd, off-key tune just before--

**BATMAN** : Willow, run! Now!

...Doot-doot-dee-doot-dee-doot-deet-doooo-doot, _goodbye_...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note on Twilight. At this point, Buffy and the Scoobies don't know who he is. If you haven't read Season 8, fair spoiler warning: I spill who he is in issue five.


	5. Issue Four

**THEMYSCIRA**

**TWO MONTHS AGO**

 

Wonder Woman and Buffy are there on the shore, along the incoming and receding ocean water. Wonder Woman’s calm, Buffy’s not, pacing.

**BUFFY** : Do I have to bow?

**WONDER WOMAN** : Only during formal ceremony.

**BUFFY** : Maybe we should have one. I never met a queen before, and when else am I going to? Wanna be respectful. Overly if I hafta.

**WONDER WOMAN** : There’s nothing to be afraid of. It won’t take my mother long to see what I see--that you’re selfless, brave, and just. Her midday ride should take her this way soon.

Buffy’s completely missing that complimentary reassurance.

**BUFFY** : And that’s another thing. You get to call her “mom.” What about me? “Highness?” “Majesty?” What if I mess up? She isn’t one of those “off with her head” queens, is she?

**WONDER WOMAN** : The Queen of the Amazons does not order beheadings. {beat} Except once. Though I’ve hardly seen her that angry since.

There’s a mischievous look in her eye. Buffy stops pacing, sees it, and scowls.

**BUFFY** : Diana! {beat} I liked you better when we were fake-dating, and you were fake-liking me.

**WONDER WOMAN** {puzzled}: I was never faking.

**BUFFY** {also puzzled}: Never faking what?

They’re interrupted by a pleasantly surprised **HIPPOLYTA** riding up on white horseback, looking quite regal in her long toga and golden crown. She brings the horse to a stop, and Wonder Woman starts over.

**HIPPOLYTA** : Diana?

She dismounts, and mother and daughter hug. Buffy hangs back, watching.

**WONDER** **WOMAN** : Hello, Mother.

**HIPPOLYTA** : Welcome home. It’s been too long. Have you eaten? {looks past her daughter} Who is your guest?

They both walk back near Buffy.

**WONDER WOMAN** : Forgive me. This is Buffy Summers. She...

She’s distracted by Buffy’s face. Her first thought is of the panic from moments ago, but then she notices the pooling tears, and how much Buffy’s fighting not to break. Little by little, cracks appear. It hurts to watch.

**WONDER WOMAN** {cursing herself}: _Hades_.

**HIPPOLYTA** {quietly}: Is she all right?

**WONDER WOMAN** : Her mother...passed into Elysium several years ago. I didn’t consider how...

Hippolyta gently touches her daughter’s arm, then steps closer to Buffy, who’s barely holding together.

**HIPPOLYTA** : Come here, child.

Buffy takes heavy steps toward the Amazon Queen. When she’s taken into strong arms, she loses it and sobs into white cloth. She hugs Hippolyta’s waist as the woman lowers them both to the sand. There’s nothing like a mother’s embrace, and she doesn’t want it to end.

But embarrassment causes her to try to pull away. She meets the resistance of Hippolyta who, after a moment, lets her go. She wipes at her tears.

**BUFFY** {apologetic}: That wasn’t part of the plan. I had a _great_ first impression ninety percent memorized, and all I did was soak your toga. I’m s--

**HIPPOLYTA** : Hush. It will dry.

**BUFFY** : Shouldn’t have to. I don’t...do that. Not for a while anyway.

**HIPPOLYTA** : You loved her very much--I fail to see the shame in that. Do not worry. We’ll have time to talk more during our meal, as both you and my daughter seem a little thin. {smiles} Help an old woman to her feet?

**BUFFY** : Oh, uh, of course. Your Highness.

She scrambles up and offers Hippolyta her hands.

**HIPPOLYTA** {brushing herself off}: Thank you.

**BUFFY** {smiles}: That oughta be my line.

Wonder Woman’s joined them, and the three walk back to Hippolyta’s horse, which she mounts. Then she looks down at Buffy.

**HIPPOLYTA** : May I ask your mother’s name?

**BUFFY** : “Joyce.”

**HIPPOLYTA** : Was she of Amazonian blood? That hold was quite strong for someone of your stature.

Buffy fights hard to not see if Wonder Woman is grinning.

**BUFFY** : She was of the traditional kind. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t the strongest person I’ve ever known, because she was.

**HIPPOLYTA** : I’m sure she’s honored to hear you saying so. {lightly kicks the horse, starts it trotting} Food will be waiting.

She goes off in the direction of the city.

**WONDER WOMAN** {still feeling bad}: Buffy, I--

**BUFFY** : Thanks. For bringing me with.

______

 

**UPPER MANHATTAN HOSPITAL**

**PRESENT**

 

Buffy comes out of her brief slumber in the small, lounge area thanks to Diana’s gentle nudging.

**DIANA** {softly}: Buffy. Buffy...

**BUFFY** : I’m wakened, I’m wakened.

She grins sleepily. Diana good-naturedly smirks back.

**DIANA** : You aren’t the only one.

**BUFFY** : S’ been an hour?

**DIANA** : Half. The boy’s mother went to get a cup of coffee from the cafeteria, and then she’ll speak with us. We should thank that nurse again.

Buffy sits up quickly and tries to comb with her hands.

**BUFFY** : Do I have “lap hair”?

**DIANA** {smiles}: I’m not bothered.

Buffy’s eyes bug. This only makes her comb more frantically. But she stops when Diana’s thumb rubs at her cheek.

**DIANA** : Was the dream upsetting? {sees Buffy’s confusion} You were crying in your sleep.

Buffy’s eyes bug again.

**DIANA:** Silently.

**BUFFY** : Oh. Nah. Not upsetting.

**DIANA** : I don’t understand. What made you...?

**BUFFY** : Good one was starting.

______

 

**OUTSIDE THE BERGMAN FAMILY’S APARTMENT BUILDING**

**FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO**

 

Boooooooooom! Slayers and random passersby on the sidewalk below hear the explosion, and then see it, as a big hole is made in the side of the building. They scatter from falling chunks of wall.

Through the thick, escaping smoke comes a bat-shaped grapple, hooking itself around a streetlight. Batman swings down, Willow underarm. The slayers begin to crowd as he retracts the grapple and lays her down. His cape is frayed, his suit burned and torn.

Willow is unconscious. He removes his cape and smothers the flames eating at her dress. Her face is blackened.

**BATMAN** : Get her to a hospital.

The squad’s leader, **VIOLET** , is the only one brave enough to speak to him.

**VIOLET** : What’re you gonna do?

**BATMAN** : I’m going back inside.

She sees people, non-slayers, noticing who he is.

**VIOLET** : Uh, you sure that’s a good--?

**BATMAN** {intensely}: The building wasn’t empty.

And he’s gone.

______

 

**CASTLE** **COMMAND CENTRAL**

**SCOTLAND SLAYER HQ**

 

Xander’s heard every word. He’s standing by the mystics.

**XANDER** : Why aren’t I beamed already? Work the mojo. Now. {calling behind} Renee, you’ve got the Bridge.

______

 

**OUTSIDE THE BERGMAN FAMILY’S APARTMENT BUILDING**

Xander “zaps” in, startling everyone present. After losing the contents of his stomach, he pushes past the girls and kneels over his best friend.

**XANDER** : Will! Willow! Can you hear me? Ya gotta wake up, Will.

He feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s Batgirl. She and Supergirl heard every word, too.

**BATGIRL** : Xander...let Kara take her.

**XANDER** : Wha...?

As he turns his head, Supergirl’s already walking past him and scooping Willow into her arms.

**VIOLET** : Take her to Mercy Hill. It’s on 77th. We know a doctor there.

**SUPERGIRL** : Got it.

WHOOSH! She’s nothing more than a streak in the sky. Xander doesn’t see it. He stands up, a faraway look in his eye. What snaps him back is feeling Batgirl’s hand gripping his.

**BATGIRL** : She’ll be okay.

**VIOLET** : Mickie, drive Xander. And say hi to your mom for us.

**BATGIRL** {to Xander}: Go. We’ll help Batman.

He squeezes her hand, then points to his eye.

**XANDER** : Next half-gander, don’t...be dead, okay?

**BATGIRL** : Hey, this is what I do for a living. {impulsively kisses his cheek} Dork.

Everybody goes about their tasks. The civilians that have been witness to all this are a bit shell-shocked. Including a **HUSBAND** , **WIFE** and their young daughter.

**HUSBAND** : Fuck me.

**WIFE** : Daddy didn’t say that, sweetheart. Daddy also better remember who he has to go home with.

______

 

**UPPER MANHATTAN HOSPITAL**

**PRESENT**

 

Buffy and Diana are in the doorway of Tim’s room with **TIM’S** **MOTHER** , headed out. They’ve gotten what information they can. It hurt him to talk.

**BUFFY** : Here’s my cell number.

She fishes a scrap of paper from her jacket pocket, and hands it over. Her number’s already scribbled onto it.

**BUFFY:** Call me, let me know how he is? Can’t say “thank you” and “sorry” enough. My “thank yous” are sorry.

**TIM’S MOTHER** : You’re going after that freak, aren’t you?

**BUFFY** {hesitant}: Yeah.

Tim’s mother looks at Diana.

**TIM’S MOTHER** : And you’re--

Diana and Buffy exchange glances.

**DIANA** : Yes.

**TIM’S MOTHER** : {beat} He could’ve killed my baby. {looks back at her son in bed} Make _him_ sorry.

**DIANA** : We intend to, Miss Bergman.

**BUFFY** {nods}: Count on it.

When they’re clear of the door, the woman closes it, and they see Supergirl marching up to them.

**SUPERGIRL** : Where have you guys been? Do you know how many walls I wish I hadn’t just looked through? {winces} Was that that kid’s mom? Oooh, is she gonna be piss--

**BUFFY** {whispering}: Kara, ssshh!

Both she and Diana pull her over to the elevators.

Same moment, over at the station...

**NURSE** : This is the last nightshift. They wanna fire me, they can fire me.

**SUPERGIRL** : Why didn’t you keep your {points to her ear} things on?

**BUFFY** : Same “why” my cell’s not on.

The girl, however super, doesn’t get it.

**BUFFY** : Hospital?

**SUPERGIRL** {feeling dumb}: Knew that.

Buffy tries to block her from sight.

**BUFFY** : You’re costumed. People’ll see.

**SUPERGIRL** : Too late.

**DIANA** : What’s happened?

**SUPERGIRL** : Willow’s...

Buffy’s running for the stairwell and turning her “thing” on before she finishes.

**SUPERGIRL** : ...down in the ER.

______

 

**WILLOW’S HOSPITAL ROOM**

 

It’s past visiting. There’re no Manhattan slayers, no Justice Leaguers, no Barbara/Batgirl. Buffy and Xander have sat at their friend’s bedside for several hours, hospital rules be damned.

**BUFFY** : So Vi’s got a contact here? Handy. 

**XANDER** : Mickie’s mom’s a doctor, yeah. Seems cool about our whole deal. They don’t have the medical setup we do, so...

**BUFFY** : I can’t get away from moms today. Wakened or sleepened.

They lapse into another, increasingly common silence, staring at the unmoving Willow. Every time they do, his foot starts nervously tapping the floor.

**XANDER** : What if she’s got brain damage?

**BUFFY** : She had a lobotomy and bounced back. She’ll make it.

**XANDER** : When she was awake. To do that voodoo that she--

**BUFFY** {snaps at him}: She’ll make it, Xander.

She pushes the chair back, stands up, walks away from him and takes a deep breath.

**BUFFY** : Sorry. I just...hate hospitals. And I really hate having déjà vu in one.

They’re both thinking about junior year of high school. And about Willow in a similar state.

**XANDER** : No, you’re right, Buf. Some thoughts shouldn’t get thunk. I’m just used to “Mega Wicca Action Willow.” Who can handle anything. Been a while, y’know?

Buffy walks up to the bed, and puts her hand on Willow’s.

**BUFFY** : Yeah. It has.

After a moment, she smiles, but doesn’t look up from Willow.

**BUFFY** : What’s the deal with you and Barbara? Are you finally? Don’t tell me I was imagining all the touching.

**_WILLOW’S MIND_** : _I don’t voodoo! And, where touching?_

She’s communicating telepathically. Her eyes are still closed.

**XANDER AND BUFFY** : Will!

He goes to stand next to Buffy.

**_WILLOW’S MIND_** _:_ _You better shoosh. Hospital and all. Use your “inside my head” voices._

**_XANDER’S AND BUFFY’S MINDS_ ** _: Whoops. Are you--?_

**_BUFFY’S MIND_ ** _: Enough stereo._

**_XANDER’S MIND_ ** _: Superladies first._

**_BUFFY’S MIND_ ** _: Are you okay? Why aren’t your eyes open?_

**_WILLOW’S MIND_ ** _: Gimmie a minute._

While she heals herself, she begins humming the Joke-in-the-Box tune. Then, in almost exactly a minute, the cuts that were on her face vanish, and her eyes open. First she smiles, but quickly looks worried.

**WILLOW** : My head’s not big, is it?

**XANDER** {smiling}: We talking physically big, or...?

She makes a face at him. 

Grabbing the bed remote, Xander brings her to a sitting position, allowing him to crush her in a hug. Buffy just watches.

**XANDER** : Don’t go scarin’ us like that again.

**WILLOW** : Um, I’m probably gonna have to. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure we fight evil more always than most, uh, non-league people.

**XANDER** : Fine. But no more bomb-shielding, young lady.

**WILLOW** : Bruce! Is he...?

**XANDER** : Barb said he was all right. Bat-Suit? Not so much.

**WILLOW** {relieved sigh}: Good. {beat} Hey, let’s leave.

**XANDER** : Yeahbutno. Somebody’s stuck here ‘til morning.

**WILLOW** {frowns}: Fudge. {realizes Buffy’s been crying} Don’t cry, Buffy. I have all my pieces. And they’re together, see? I didn’t Humpty-Dumpty.

**BUFFY** {sniffing}: Can’t get away from this today, either.

Xander moves toward the door, wanting them to have privacy.

**XANDER** : Think I’ll, uh, check out just how well-locked the gift shop is. If I’m not back in ten minutes...

**BUFFY** : I’ll come save you.

**XANDER** : _Before_ the night sticks come out, right?

He waits for an answer that doesn’t come, and then slowly opens the door. But something stops him.

**XANDER** : Hey Will, what was that humming about?

**WILLOW** : {shrugs} Heard it before the kaboom.

**XANDER** : Feel like I oughta know it. {frustrated beat} Gah. Damn. Thanks a lot.

When he leaves, Willow and Buffy have a “silence lapse” of their own. Then--

**WILLOW** : Did Tim tell you anything?

**BUFFY** : Just that the Joker was real-estate shopping.

**WILLOW** : Guess he would.

**BUFFY** : Didn’t see where, though. You think tomorrow you could do your “insta-heal” spell on him?

**WILLOW** : {nods} Already planned to. But it’s not insta...

**BUFFY** : I want us to be good, Will. You coulda died, and we wouldn’t’ve been. I know I made some calls you aren’t a fan of, but I had to, and can’t take them back. Yunno, Diana--who’s _way_ better than me--had to steal once. This guy turned her mom to stone, so...

She shakes her head, stops trying to defend herself. This isn’t what she wanted to say.

**BUFFY** {sincere} **:** I wanna tell you everything, and I wanna hear your everything, and I really, really miss you, so can we please be good?

Willow’s crying now, which gets Buffy going again, and they have their long overdue hug, crying becoming laughter. Buffy climbs onto the bed. Willow scooches over.

**WILLOW** : I out “really, really” ‘d you.

**BUFFY** : Did not.

**WILLOW** : Did too.

**BUFFY** : Is this “good”? Are we good?

**WILLOW** {grinning}: After more story. About you and your _girrrrl_ friend.

**BUFFY** {eyes narrowed}: Willow!

Willow giggles, Buffy looks grumpy.

**WILLOW** : Nope, we are. But, please?

**BUFFY** : Only ‘cause you were blown up.

______

 

**THEMYSCIRA**

**TWO MONTHS AGO**

 

It’s night. Diana and Buffy have both dressed down into simple, white togas that stop at their knees. They’re barefoot on a grassy hill behind the guest quarters that Hippolyta has allowed Buffy to use during her stay.

There’s a fire going. It glows off their faces as they move around each other, lightly sparring.

**DIANA** : Antiope was impressed by your skill with a bow. She doesn’t impress easily.

She throws a punch, which Buffy blocks.

**BUFFY** : That’s why the nine years of vampire slayage--to impress her. {rolls eyes} How come I’m picking up...

She throws her hips back so Diana’s next punch misses her stomach, and before Diana can retract, Buffy grabs her wrist. She moves behind her quickly, bringing the arm with and pinning it behind the Amazon’s back.

**BUFFY** : ...that they don’t...

She pushes Diana forward while releasing her arm, and just as her foot comes up and kicks, Diana drops into a forward roll, dodging.

**BUFFY** : ...like my job much?

Diana’s back to her feet almost immediately, moving her hair out of her face.

**BUFFY** : Damn it.

**DIANA** : They... {heavy breath} understand its importance, but... {heavy breath} they believe combating demons who hide in the dead is beneath you. And that there’re better ways to spend a night. _My_ choices they’ll never understand. Including why I continue to live among...outsiders.

**BUFFY** : You so wanted to say “men.” Speaking of...

**DIANA** : I’ve moved past it.

Buffy doesn’t buy that.

**DIANA** : I took the rejection personally, when the truth is, Bruce refuses to let anyone in. Even in friendship. It doesn’t matter how many battles we’ve fought at each other’s side. He's always distant.

She gets lost in her thoughts a moment.

**DIANA** : Losing another person he cares for would destroy him. That fear drives his every choice--whether he’s behind Batman’s mask or not. {sighs sadly} Hera help him.

**BUFFY** : Can’t he just be a jackass?

She gets lost now also, because Diana could’ve been describing her. The idea that she could turn into Batman, at least emotionally, scares her enough to have it show. That’s the last thing she wants.

When she comes back, Diana’s right in front of her, the sparring forgotten.

**DIANA** : Where were you just now?

**BUFFY** : Nowhere fun. {beat} What about you? Think slaying’s beneath me?

**DIANA** : Absolutely not. Protecting your home, helping hundreds like you realize their strength...that’s something everyone here would honor you for if you’d let us. Do I think it’s unfair that a group of arrogant, elder _men_ burdened you so young? Yes. They may not have valued your life, but you should. Experience all you can, Buffy, because you deserve it.

**BUFFY** {not so sure}: You deserve too. More than deserve. But...how didn’t I burden the same way the Watchers did?

**DIANA** : There’s a difference between giving power, and wanting to control those that have it. Not every woman touched by your friend’s spell is a slayer. You allowed them the freedom to decide.

**BUFFY** : Dunno if I believe that. The girls that didn’t sign up, the power’s still gonna nag, Diana. If they sixth-sense a vampire, they won’t be able to pretend he isn’t there...I know. Which means they’ll fight, and they won’t be trained, and they’ll die. Or some could be...not good.

**DIANA** : True, and it would be terrible, I can’t argue that. But try looking beyond the risks. What if some become police officers? Firefighters? Rescue workers? What if they build homes, or teach self-defense? They can still use what they’ve been given positively.

Buffy smiles bashfully and ducks her head. After a second, she looks back up.

**BUFFY** : Are you impressed too?

**DIANA** : Almost.

This throws the slayer.

**DIANA** {soon-to-be patented, “innocent but not” voice}: Perhaps if you started trying...

Buffy doesn’t even react. With speed that’d make Flash take notice, she drops low to the ground, and sweeping her leg, sends Diana onto her back. Diana is not stunned, though. She reaches for Buffy’s ankle and pulls, bringing Buffy collapsing on top of her.

They lay there, Buffy above, Diana below, face-to-face.

**BUFFY** : Never?

**DIANA** : Well, if I was lying to anyone those first few days, it was myself. Were you faking?

**BUFFY** : Thought I was. Being your fake-girlfriend...I was happy. Happier than most times I was being a real girlfriend. Forgot how it--

She’s cut off by Diana pulling her head down so their mouths meet. Vigorously. By the time they’re done, they’ve rolled over on the grass, reversing positions. Their cheeks are hotter than the fire.

**BUFFY** : People are gonna say you’re way too tall and good-looking for me.

**DIANA** : Let them.

**BUFFY** : Willow’s gonna _wig_.

**DIANA** : Knowing Wally, he’ll say something inappropriate.

**BUFFY** : We don’t tell him and Xander at the same time.

**DIANA** : Agreed.

**BUFFY** : Are we really doing this?

**DIANA** : We’re obviously attracted to one another, our interests are similar...and it’s, comforting, having you close. Also, according to your sister, we talk disgustingly too often when you can’t be. Why shouldn’t this happen?

**BUFFY** : With you on the comforting. And we’ve got kissing down. Number one compatibility test? Passed.

**DIANA** {grins}: I’d like to be sure.

**BUFFY** : I’ve been “guys only” since I thought I had to pick. Even after two roommates who _really_ weren’t, and slayer-pretending I couldn’t slayer-overhear them, never did the “what if” thing...then we had lunch. God, if this is what it was like for Will, she didn’t have a lotta choice. Or any, which makes sense now.

She grins back.

**BUFFY:** You’re like the best woman to all suddenly wake up gay for one day.

At this, she eagerly obliges her fellow superheroine and (very not fake) girlfriend.

______

 

**WILLOW’S HOSPITAL ROOM**

**PRESENT**

 

It’s past midnight, she can’t sleep. Buffy’s been gone, story’s been over, and Xander’s been in a cot. He has no problem with sleeping.

**BATMAN** : I told you to run.

Once again he steps out of the shadows on her, looking no better than he had earlier.

**WILLOW** {resolve face}: You’re welcome.

She thinks she sees something resembling a near-smile, cracking _his_ “resolve face.” Or, “resolve jaw.” Possibly.

**WILLOW** : We figured out where the Joker is. Uh, sorta.

**BATMAN** : Tomorrow. Get some rest.

**WILLOW** : Only if you promise to too. I could give you a magickal Band-Aid!

**BATMAN** :  I heal fine on my own.

Then he melts back into the darkness, leaving her and the snoring Xander be.

**WILLOW** : But why would you want to? And can’t you ever stop doing that?


	6. Issue Five

**SCOTLAND SLAYER HQ**

**OUTSIDE THE BARN**

 

The sun’s just coming up. Dawn watches as a “boom tube” opens up several stories below her. Out steps Zatanna, who clicks the modified “mother box” and closes the tube behind her.

 **DAWN:** Yes! You came!

Zatanna takes off her top-hat and massages her temples. She’s wearing her typical, magician performance garb but with stockings and high heels. Though an actual sorceress, she pays the bills by “pretending” in front of an audience.

 **ZATANNA:** Nice timing. I got knocked on my ass mid-show. Looking forward to the bruise.

 **DAWN** {guiltily}: I-I just wanted to get your attention.

 **ZATANNA:** Mission accomplished. Never had an entire coven give me an inter-dimensional migraine before. Now that I have? Once was enough.

 **DAWN:** Oh crap. I’m--

 **ZATANNA:** {smiles} Relax, the tickets were non-refundable, and it’s Vegas. Plenty of other places to get distracted and black out.

She looks around.

 **ZATANNA** : So what’s up? Doesn’t seem like the Earth’s under attack. Or maybe that just happens a lot quieter around here.

 **DAWN** : No, but Willow and Batman were. Everybody except me’s in New York and being blown up and...even Xander left. My family’s in trouble, Zatanna. I _need_ to go there.

 **ZATANNA** {sympathetic}: But first you need to drop a few sizes?

 **DAWN:** Please, you gotta help me.

 **ZATANNA:** I already told you, Dawn, you have to break the spell yourself. No one else can. Not even me.

Dawn frowns, and sits down almost as heavily as her sigh. When the ground tremors, Zatanna looks like she’s balancing herself on an invisible tightrope, but ends up still falling on her ass. Again. Dawn doesn’t notice this at all.

Then suddenly, now settled, her expression becomes hopeful.

 **DAWN:** Can that “Dr. Fate” guy?

 **ZATANNA** {scowling}: _Hey_.

In the middle of getting back up and wiping herself off, that was the last thing she wanted to hear.

 **DAWN** {desperate}: At least tell me _how_.

Zatanna walks over and places her considerably tinier hand on Dawn’s thigh.

 **ZATANNA:** Let me ask you a question.

 **DAWN:** Uh, sure, okay.

 **ZATANNA:** Basically you did the wrong guy, right?

Dawn hangs her head.

 **DAWN** {softly}: Nick. Who kinda sucked, really.

 **ZATANNA:** Youch. Didn’t try telling your boyfriend that, did you?

 **DAWN:** I, um, didn’t tell him anything.

Though ashamed, she lifts her head and gets defensive.

 **DAWN:** He caught us! The last time I felt like the Queen of Sluttown, there was this evil jacket, but with Nick...there was just me. I had to get out of there. So-so I hid in the bathroom, called Buffy, told her it was mating season for Gurslar demons and that unless she wanted nephews to slay and me to have the grossest C-section in history...

 **ZATANNA:** Well, it isn’t as bad as fleeing the galaxy, but fleeing the country’s still pretty--

 **DAWN:** \--chickenshit? I know. I suck way more than Nick. But everything I was gonna say sounded so stupid. It only would’ve made Kenny feel worse. I broke his heart; I deserve this. I’m sorry I ever...

Wheels are turning in Dawn’s head now, and by the look on her face, she’s slowly realizing the direction they’re going.

 **ZATANNA:** If you wanna break the spell--and don’t take this the wrong way?--you’ve gotta grow up, hon.

______

 

**HOTEL**

**NEAR MANHATTAN SLAYER HQ**

Diana and Buffy are lying in their room, in bed, when they both hear the faint click of a door handle turning out in the hall. It’s around one A.M.

 **DIANA** : You should go.

 **BUFFY** {reluctant}: I’m comfy.

 **DIANA** : Then why wait up this long?

 **BUFFY** : I...thought you were.

 **DIANA** : My lasso would be pointless--you’re a horrible liar.

 **BUFFY** : {exhales} I’m going, I’m going.

She throws off her section of the sheet, and gets out of bed. She grabs her tank top and pants off the floor, then stands there to slip them on. Diana’s head rests, propped up, in her hand, watching.

 **DIANA** : Try to be quick.

Buffy takes one look at the naked princess with the bedroom eyes, and has to try again.

 **BUFFY** : I don’t hafta be--

“Bedroom eyes” have turned to “warrior eyes.”

 **BUFFY** : I’m going.

 **DIANA** : Talk. Without fists.

 **BUFFY** : What do you think I am? {beat} You better stay not asleep.

 **DIANA** : Oh, I’m far from tired.

Buffy very reluctantly leaves the room, walks down a few doors, lightly knocks, and lets herself in without waiting for an invitation. She finds Bruce sitting shirtless on his bed, lamp on, trying to tape up his ribs. He’s still wearing the bat-pants.

 **BUFFY** : Heard you saved my best friend’s life tonight.

 **BRUCE** : I returned the favor.

She sees him struggling, and walks the remaining distance.

 **BUFFY** : Taping isn’t a great--

 **BRUCE** : I don’t have days to sit and wait. It’s what works. I’m not new at this.

 **BUFFY** : Then here.

She holds out her hand. This is as much of a white flag as she’ll give.

 **BRUCE** : I didn’t ask.

 **BUFFY** : I’m not new either. So since I’m never volunteering again, shut up and...actually, just shut up.

He wordlessly places the roll of athletic tape in her palm.

 **BUFFY** : Stand. Arms out.

He does.

 **BRUCE** : Willow says you know where the Joker is.

She moves around him, wrapping his injured ribs.

 **BUFFY** : You saw her? When?

 **BRUCE** : Does it matter?

 **_BUFFY’S THOUGHT_ ** _: No hitting, no hitting, no hitting..._

She counts to five in her head, and lets the attitude go.

 **BUFFY** : Xander had a “light bulb” moment. From the bomb song. He said it was on an old “Simpsons” episode. About a barbershop quartet or something.

 **BRUCE** {tune clicking in his memory}: “Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby.”

 **BUFFY** {furrowed brow}: You watch...? No, better--you know what “humor” is?

 **BRUCE** : I listen to music.

 **BUFFY** : How old are you again?

 **BRUCE** : Look for barber shops in the area. Or for buildings that used to be.

Buffy looks at him as if to ask, _“Isn’t that a little obvious?”_

 **BRUCE** : He likes themes.

They grow quiet, she continues taping.

 **BRUCE** : Diana seems...happy. I’m...glad. She’s a remarkable woman.

That’s his white flag.

 **BUFFY** : Wow. Second agreeing thing. Yeah, she’s kinda Wonder-ful.

It’s late, and maybe she’s a little tired, so she’s amused herself. 

 **BRUCE** {smirks}: Been thinking of that long?

On her next wraparound, she pulls, causing him to grimace and grit through his teeth.

 **BUFFY** : It’s gotta be tight.

______

 

**MANHATTAN SLAYER HQ**

**LATE MORNING**

 

Everyone’s gathered in the main room of the loft. Buffy, Diana, Barbara, Bruce, Xander, Kara, Violet, Willow, and all the other slayers are tensely watching the local news.

It’s cell phone footage of last night’s after-boom. Footage clear enough to see that Batman and Batgirl kept going into the burning building, repeatedly, to rescue people inside.

Xander’s flipping through channels, working his way through all the news programs. Sometimes it’s the same footage, sometimes street interviews, but they only hear snippets, because he doesn’t stay on one channel for very long.

 **ANCHOR 1:** \--or L.A.R.P., that’s gotten dangerously out of hand. After the YouTube--

Click.

 **TEENAGER:** \--should’ve seen her  <BEEP>! It was <BEEP>-ing tast--

Click.

 **ELDERLY WOMAN:** \--got my grandbaby outta there. I don’t care if they wear pajam--

Click.

 **ANCHOR 2:** \--no such thing as bad publicity, but the comics publisher denies any--

Click.

 **OVERWEIGHT MAN:** Worst. Costumes. Ev--

Click.

 **LITTLE GIRL:** \--these reallyreallyprettyandreallyreallystrong girls carried my mommy to the...

Click.

 **CABBIE:** \--one chick, she just, y’know, VOOM--

The TV goes off, jarring everyone a moment. Buffy’s taken the remote from Xander, and all eyes have turned to her, waiting for her reaction.

 **BUFFY:** Okay... _now_ it’s nuts.

 **WILLOW:** Sorry, Buffy. I should’ve...you asked me to, and--

 **KARA:** No, I am. I’m the moron who got caught taking off--

 **WILLOW:** But she-she wouldn’t have had to if I didn’t go boom--

 **BRUCE:** This isn’t your fault. Either of you.

Buffy links arms with her best friend, and smiles.

 **BUFFY:** You helped save her life, Kara. That’s all I’m caring about. So thanks. {looks at Willow} Also what he said. But less jackassy.

She shoots a glare at Bruce, but unlike her others, it’s missing something. Diana’s the only one who picks up on it. Everyone else is too preoccupied.

 **BUFFY:** We’ll just...hafta deal.

 **KARA:** How? We’re pretty boned, you guys.

 **BARBARA AND XANDER:** She’s not wrong.

Realizing their echo, the nighttime vigilante and the ex-carpenter redden in embarrassment, while holding hands at each other’s side. Almost everybody in the room is staring like they want to tease them mercilessly, but no one gets the chance, because--

 **DAWN** : Blech. How long have they been doing that for?                                       

Attention shifts from one Summers sister to another. Dawn’s standing next to Zatanna, normal-sized. Kara rushes over and wraps her in a hug.

Willow’s eyes focus on Zatanna, then when she realizes she’s focusing too much, they suddenly dart elsewhere.

 **KARA** : Hah! You owe me, Summers. Didn’t I tell you it would happen? I told you! {excited tone vanishes} You’re still taller than I am? Sucks.

 **VIOLET** {speaking up from the crowd}: You know you’ve got like, every superpower, right?

Meanwhile, Dawn’s struggling for air.

 **DAWN** : Don’t wanna...be a jellyfish, Kara...ow...

 **KARA** : Oops.

Kara loosens her super-strong hold, and Dawn breathes.

 **KARA** {big grin}: But, just imagine it! Me and you? We’re gonna have _fun_.  

Bruce clears his throat in the background.

 **KARA** : Uh, after we break the Joker’s face for torturing that kid and foil his latest evil whatever.

Buffy’s made her way over, and Kara steps aside so she can have her turn. She looks questioningly at Zatanna, who shakes her head.

 **ZATANNA** : I only gave her a lift. She did the rest.

 **BUFFY** : How?

 **DAWN** {shrugging, but proud}: I said I was sorry.

 **BUFFY** : You said you were sorry?

Buffy looks disbelieving, and that quickly turns into suspicious.

 **BUFFY** : Sorry for _what_ exactly?

 **DAWN** {horrible poker face}: Nothing.

Deciding it’s better for both of them if she drops the subject, Buffy hugs her little sister, clearly happy to see her “back”.

 **DAWN** : Glad you’re okay, sis. Was gettin’ kinda worried.

 **BUFFY** : Worrying is my job, so stop already. {beat} Are you sure whatever you did worked though? All the way? Because your butt still looks huge in those pants.

 **DAWN** {features schooled}: Thanks for proving how I’m more mature now. ‘Cause, what you just said? Don’t care.

She kicks Buffy in the shin.

 **DAWN** : Dumbass.

 **DIANA** {smile in her voice}: I hate to interrupt...

 **DAWN** : Frig, I almost forgot! Buffy, Andrew did the research you wanted. There’s only one place that fits for you-know-who’s hideout.

 **XANDER** {panicked}: Voldemort’s here too?

Bruce shoots Barbara a quick raised eyebrow, and she just squeezes Xander’s hand supportively. Everyone else pretends he didn’t say that.

 **DAWN** : Um, so...wanna check it out? Andrew said--

All the people in the room who’ve ever graced the pages of a comic book, groan at the now, second mention of that name. It’s almost like Kryptonite.

______

**APPROACHING JOKER’S HIDEOUT**

The Batmobile drives through the city streets.

Bringing up the rear, Batgirl’s driving a motorcycle. Xander’s sitting behind her, arms around her waist, praying he doesn’t fall off.

Willow and Wonder Woman are keeping pace with the vehicles on the ground while flying parallel above.

Dawn’s flying with Supergirl, perched on Batgirl’s usual spot, grinning like crazy. She has a scabbard strapped to her back, and is wearing a hip pouch.

Super-speed on their side, the teens arrive at their destination before most everyone else. They land on the roof of a building opposite the old barbershop.

Behind them are twenty or so white doves, scattered around. After a bright, blue flash of magickal light, Zatanna and a bunch of disoriented slayers stand in the birds’ place. With a wink, she tips her hat in greeting.

______

 

**INSIDE THE BATMOBILE**

Buffy rides shotgun, Batman at the wheel. The GPS in the console has a blinking X over their destination--in the heart of Coney Island, Brooklyn. Buffy’s trying to resist all the buttons.

 **BUFFY** : Bringing your car from another dimension--that’s some full service butler-ing.

 **BATMAN** : Alfred’s very dedicated to his job.

 **BUFFY** : You should buy him an awesome Christmas present.

 **BATMAN** : From what he’s told me, I usually do.

 **BUFFY** : ...He buys his own _gift_? {blanches} What? Bat-Thoughtfulness didn’t fit in the belt anywhere? No wonder you can’t have an actual girlfriend.

 **BATMAN** : What’s your point?

 **BUFFY** : {eye roll} If you cared, you’d’ve heard it already.

She looks out the window for a few silent minutes.

 **BUFFY** : Guess it’s good our cat’s more or less outta the bag, because stealthy this isn’t.

 **BATMAN** : Sorry.

The word has no inflection to it, just a flat gruffness. Buffy can’t tell if it was a genuine apology.

 **BUFFY** : Just like it wasn’t Willow’s or Kara’s? It wasn’t your fault, either. Barbara warned me the Joker doesn’t do small.

 **BATMAN** : He wanted this. He wanted that bomb to go off so we’d react, be noticed. Now he’ll have an even larger audience.

 **BUFFY** : Yeah, but for what?

Silence lapses again as they both contemplate the possibilities. Batman eventually breaks it.

 **BATMAN** : Last chance to make your sister go home.

 **BUFFY** : Says the guy who had a little kid for a sidekick. {smirks} Took a while to get, but she’s been a big girl, Bruce. Lately literally. I can’t make her do anything. She shrunk to come help, she knows how to handle herself, and...she kicked me again. So, everybody’s in.

 **BATMAN** : Your call.

 **BUFFY** : Thanks, I know.

She gestures at the console.

 **BUFFY** : Does one of these make coffee? I hate walking into a trap under-caffeinated. Especially considering it’ll probably be all complicated and over-the-top...

 **BATMAN** : Center switch. Right panel.

 **BUFFY** {smiling broadly}: Why’d I ever wanna hit you?

 **BATMAN** : Don’t spill on the leather.

She turns her head, rolling her eyes at him again.

 **BUFFY** : Stupid question.

______

 

**SKIES OVER BROOKLYN**

 

Willow and Wonder Woman are still flying.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : We’re almost there, and you haven’t said a word. Since you should never go into battle distracted, ask.

 **WILLOW** {nervous}: I, uh, wasn’t... o-okay, maybe I had a shovel speech, but because you’re, that-that person you are, it doesn’t sound as intimidating as it usually does. In my head.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : Shovel? {confused, she lets it go} Willow, you insisted on coming with me. Ask, it’s all right. If it’s about Zatan--

 **WILLOW** : {eyes widen} I wasn’t staring! Did she say I was? I mean, I’m seeing someone, _totally_ committedly seeing, which, why, did she say anything about me? Not...that I’d give a darn. Any damn darn. {she takes a deep breath} Buffy loves you.

Diana stops moving, having not expected that. Willow stops with her. An involuntary smile starts to break out on the Amazon’s face, but she puts a stop to it once she realizes.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : You can’t know...

 **WILLOW** : I know Buffy. I know her eyes say “Yay!” whenever she sees you, or talks about you...and I know when you two’re snuggly, her shoulders take a nap. {snaps her fingers} Weight go poof. You hafta realize how much she trusts you. For her to do that like it’s easy?

They start moving again.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : I do...I have. At the same time I realized how much _I_ trusted _her_. It’s not something I take for granted.

 **WILLOW** : Do you love her back? Because Buffy hasn’t let herself get that close for so long. After all those times it hurt, she just, went away from everybody a little. Then _a lot_ ‘cause of you, I got my best friend back as a “welcome home” present. I don’t wanna lose her again.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : Everything I am--daughter, ambassador, warrior--I’m proud to be. That I’ve been given the chance to make a difference, to inspire others, means more than I can say. But occasionally, I want its weight to go poof myself.

This gets an embarrassed smile from Willow.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : Buffy and I, we give each other a place where our only responsibility is to enjoy _being._ When we’re laughing at some poorly-conceived film during a quiet afternoon, together on our sofa...it amazes me how content I feel. Every time.

Her smile returns entirely on purpose.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : I’m simply “Diana” then. Buffy refuses to see me as anything else. In three months, our relationship has already gone from...

She loses the words, appearing to understand something.

______

 

**INSIDE THE BATMOBILE**

Buffy and Batman can hear Willow and Wonder Woman through the coms in their ears. They, and no one else, has thought to interrupt and remind them their conversation isn’t private.

As Batman stops the car across the street from the barbershop, Buffy still listens intently.

 **WONDER WOMAN** (O.S.): Too many days, I’ve asked why man’s world is worth saving. People seem desperate to destroy themselves, so what does it matter if Grodd or the Joker grants their wish? I believe in the Amazonian ideals, but sometimes they aren’t enough. Sometimes I fight to spend another afternoon with her...is that love?

Buffy, now teary-eyed, wears a radiant smile on her face. She knows how she’d answer.

______

 

**SKIES OVER BROOKLYN**

 

Willow, hearing the answer to her question, is watery as well, on Buffy’s behalf.

 **WILLOW** : Uh huh. Absa-yep-ly.

 **DAWN AND SUPERGIRL** (O.S.): AWWW.

 **ZATANNA** (O.S.): What they said.

 **BATGIRL** (O.S.): If it wasn’t, it better be now.

 **XANDER** (O.S.): Foreigner’s gotta approve.

Before Wonder Woman can react to the fact that Buffy most likely heard her along with everybody, she feels an impact in the middle of her back. An impact so forceful, it drives her out of the sky and face-first into the street below. She’s made a rather sizeable pothole.

Willow sees a dark blur when Wonder Woman gets struck, and then feels herself get flung aside in midair. She goes sailing.

______

 

**STREET LEVEL**

**ACROSS FROM THE BARBERSHOP**

 

Down on the ground, Wonder Woman’s getting to her hands and knees. Buffy rushes out the raised door of the Batmobile.

 **BUFFY** : Diana!

But Wonder Woman’s too focused on the boots she sees, and looks up at the figure they belong to, standing over her.

 **TWILIGHT** : _OPPOSING VIEW? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE HER._

______

 

**ROOF OF JOKER’S BARBERSHOP HIDEOUT**

 

Joker is standing there, looking through a pair of oversized binoculars at Twilight crashing his party. Harley is beside him.

 **JOKER** {angry}: I knew it! {his tone changes to sulkingly hopeful} Tell me you didn’t forget Fluffy.

Harley reaches down, and when she comes back up, she has a massive bazooka in her hands.

 **HARLEY** : Leave the poor thing home alone all by herself--with nobody t’play with? That’d be awful mean, Mr. J.

Joker carelessly throws aside the binoculars, snatches the bazooka from Harley, and hoists it onto his shoulder. Speaking of awful mean, she crosses her arms over herself, pissed.

 **HARLEY** : You’re welcome.

Joker pays her no mind, all his sudden rage focused on Twilight below.

 **JOKER** {sneering}: Horn in on my plot, will ya?

He points the bazooka down at Twilight, Buffy and Wonder Woman, and fires.

 **JOKER** : Liar, liar, he’s on fire!

He laughs maniacally while Harley covers her ears.

______

 

**THE “GOOD GUYS” ROOFTOP**

 

Dawn, Supergirl, Zantanna, and the slayers can see Joker as he fires the bazooka. They all look horrified at what’s about to happen, Dawn most of all, and Supergirl is a nanosecond away from trying to stop it.

But then the metal door that serves as the building’s roof access for people who can’t fly, busts off its hinges with a loud smash. The hulking, zombified form of **SOLOMON GRUNDY** stands there, and all the females turn to see him.

Oh, and he’s also backed by about a dozen demons-for-hire.

 **GRUNDY** : Clown pay Grundy to crush, so Grundy crush.

 **ZANTANNA** : Un...

 **DAWN** : Frickin’...

 **SUPERGIRL** : Fair!

That’s when they hear the explosion.

______

 

**STREET LEVEL**

 

Buffy and Twilight see the rocket coming towards them.

 **_BUFFY’S THOUGHT_ ** _: You’ve gotta be kidding me._

The next thing she knows, she’s scooped up just before the rocket strikes. She’s not high off the ground, but not touching it either. She’s in the arms of Wonder Woman, who’s more worried about speed than altitude.

The explosion is immense. A fireball rises high up toward the sky, and the concussion blast helps drive Wonder Woman and Buffy farther away, but it also makes Wonder Woman lose focus. They both tumble and roll hard along the ground.

After about ten seconds or so, they pick themselves up. They’re scraped, scuffed, and generally in foul moods, but they’re alive. They look over at each other.

 **BUFFY** : That was...kind of flying. You okay?

 **WONDER WOMAN** : Are you?

They smile, relieved.

 **BUFFY** : Thanks.  

She’s saying a lot with one word.

 **BUFFY** : Can’t believe you do this every day.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : This is nothing. You should’ve come to Metropolis last Tuesday.

She looks suddenly troubled.

 **WONDER WOMAN** : He said I didn’t understand.

 **BUFFY** : What said who?

They watch, gasping, as Twilight calmly emerges from the flames, unscathed. Buffy recognizes the familiar symbol on his mask, but something else is familiar, too.

 **BUFFY** : He doesn’t look like a beautiful sunset.

 **WONDER WOMAN** {eyes hard}: He said I didn’t understand what it meant to love you.

Buffy gets a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. Twilight keeps walking closer.

 **TWILIGHT** : _AND YOU’LL NEVER GET THE CHANCE_.

Grabbing her lasso, Wonder Woman throws it, expertly roping Twilight before either he or Buffy realize she has.

 **WONDER WOMAN** {demanding}: Who are you? Show yourself!

The entire lasso glows as she commands the truth from him, and he has no choice but to obey.

 **TWILIGHT** : _IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS WAY._

Saying that, he takes off his mask. Buffy’s eyes go wide.

 **BUFFY** : _Angel_?

 **TWILIGHT/ANGEL** : Hi, Buffy.

______

 

**ROOF OF JOKER’S BARBERSHOP HIDEOUT**

 

He’s decidedly unhappy.

 **JOKER** : He’s still alive?!

He looks ready to punch Harley in the face for the umpteenth time, and she cowers. But...he doesn’t.

 **JOKER** : A couple regular joes like us could really learn to hate stupidpowers...

He turns around to come face to face with--

 **JOKER** : ...right, Batman?

He’s picked up by the throat with one hand. Harley tries to attack, but Batman backhands her down with his free arm.

 **BATMAN** : This is what you came for? Maybe I overestimated you, Joker.

 **JOKER** : Performance anxiety, what can I say? At least I don’t hide behind a belt...unlike some guys I know. {sinister grin} But wait! I may have _one_ surprise left.

He whistles.

 **JOKER** : Bring out our guest, boys!

Just like on the other roof, the door opens. Though not with a smash. Chico, Harpo and Zeppo emerge, holding Willow hostage. She’s unconscious, bound, gagged, and her face looks badly bruised. Harpo, who’s holding her, has a knife to her throat. The others are aiming guns.

 **JOKER** : Hasn’t woken up since she broke her fall with that building _right_ over there. WHAMO!

He smacks his hands together rather theatrically.

 **JOKER** : Ohhh, when she does, I hope she’s as crazy as meeee. How many concussions _does_ it take to get to the center of a--?

Batman squeezes his throat, hard.

 **BATMAN** : Let her go.

 **JOKER** {gasping out the words}: If you...want to be her...dark knight...then...give me…my main event.

Batman loosens his hold, Joker coughs and wheezes.

 **JOKER** : Because this...was just...the warm-up act.

From behind, a recovered Harley whacks Batman in the head with her repaired mallet. His world goes black as Joker laughs hoarsely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all five completed issues. Hope you've enjoyed it.
> 
> Any ideas? Joker plot suggestions? Like I said at the beginning, be happy to have them. :)


End file.
